Friday 25th August 2017

Earlier in the day we had the appointment with the skin care nurse who had just given us the news on the extent of the cancer where it had spread and that it was Stage 4. My mum and dad were due to come home with the kids so we invited them round for tea that evening to yet again break the news (they’ve declined my offers for tea lately they probably think there’s an ulterior motive to every invite). I knew we had to tell them but part of me just wanted to keep it to ourselves. See no-one likes to see someone they love and care about upset. What makes it worse is when the news you are telling them is making them upset because of you and how much they love and care about you (I’m actually crying whilst typing this).

This time over tea we were slightly more experienced about breaking the news, we decided to get the news over and done with then we could enjoy our tea later (Ste may try and correct me here and say dinner but I’m Northern and we’re not posh so for ease of reference it’s dinner and tea, not lunch and dinner). This time I was the one who told my parents and my sister the news. They were all heart broken and it was really upsetting, I remember how broken and upset my mum looked which is something that sticks in my mind. I managed to keep it together and didn’t cry. I gave them all a hug (something we all seem to do more of since the news, see we were never a hugging family but now we are). I told my mum to be really positive and that getting all upset wouldn’t help us fight this.

We had tea and every now and then my mum or dad or sister would go in the downstairs toilet and have a cry. Something which does bring a sense of guilt but I knew I had to be strong and show them that this would not defeat me by any means. My parents left so did my sister and nephew.  We hadn’t told the kids yet that would take a bit more planning. Later on myself and Ste were sitting down watching TV he said that we should tell our friends. I told him that I didn’t want to and we should just keep the news to ourselves for the time being until we had a better idea of what treatment I could have and what the plan was going forward. Plus it was all pretty new so I needed to get my head round it myself first.

I did agree that Ste should tell his family, unfortunately as we live so far apart he had to do this over the phone. Something that couldn’t have been easy but I think it made him feel better. They were also devastated and wanted to come up and see us. For me early on the less people new about this the better although I think for those close around you it helps if they have someone to talk to about it that isn’t the one that’s ill. Later on that evening Ste continued to proceed with the wine and rum he then at some point text his close friend saying we had some news about me and would like to tell them in person. This really annoyed me as telling someone that late at night on a weekend knowing they will have had a drink is never a good idea. Surely enough my phone then proceeded to ring with my friends wife (and one of my best friends) asking what was wrong and begging me to tell them shortly afterwards another best friend was texting asking if I was alright. I don’t know if this was mean and slightly selfish but I refused to tell them. To me I wanted to tell people in my own way and my own time and I thought that this sort or news was better face to face and I felt Ste had ruined that.

I went to bed and in the morning our best friends had asked if they could come round and see us. Something I felt even worse for as they were away for the weekend at their caravan (Ste didn’t know this when he messaged them). So they came round with the kids and we broke the news. Both were extremely upset and said they understood why we wanted to tell them in person.  We then all went for a walk together with a little visit to the pub. This was the start of sharing this journey with not just my family but close friends who are here to support me.

Later on that evening we invited a few more friends and kids round, something that’s not uncommon for us as it means we can still socialise but don’t have to be reliant on babysitters all the time. Generally all the adults get drunk in the kitchen eating and the kids run riot upstairs pulling toys out that our children have usually forgotten they have. Every so often we go and check up on them to make sure nothing has been set on fire or that we haven’t lost any children in Narnia. As I was the one who wasn’t drinking I did this a little more than the others that night so they could get on with the important job of getting drunk and putting the worlds to rights.  Ste told our friends the news sat at the kitchen table it was hard listening to yourself being talked about in the third person and seeing your friends cry. There were plenty of hugs and tears and although deep down it really upset me and I was scared. I did my best not to cry in front of them.

Over the next couple of weeks we continued to tell close friends around us. Each time it didn’t get easier but it sort of felt like like more of a play that we had rehearsed several times previously but the audience were watching it for the first time so their reaction was new and real. Ste had a few weekends of late nights, drinking and music something which I had to mention in the end as it began to feel too much. It was nice that people cared about me however I was suddenly a bit overwhelmed and tired by the constant texts, phone calls, catch ups and late nights. I just wanted time to myself, Ste and the kids to take it all in and be ‘normal’ (well as normal as I ever was!). I also felt I wanted to protect the kids from finding out the news by accident from anyone else.

See the sharing of the news wasn’t my idea, had I been on my own I may not have told anyone. In my mind the less people knew the better. If you have cancer then it’s purely up to you how, who or when you want to share that news with. Despite the initial element of feeling overwhelmed and slightly out of control for the first couple of weeks I’m glad that my family and close friends knew.  These people have made these last few months that much easier especially when I was admitted to hospital. See I am one of those people that has a bit of pride. I don’t like to admit I’m weak or probably don’t ask for help very often. When I was in hospital I didn’t have much choice help came in the form of food, books, magazines, childcare, visits and texts. Outside it’s come in the form of offers for walks, phone calls and trips out just being me from those that mattered the most and I’m glad they did.

Week Commencing 21st August 2018

So, I knew I had skin cancer/melanoma and I knew it was internal and that a cancerous lump had been removed from my gland when I had the operation. What we didn’t know was the stage of the cancer and if it had spread anywhere else or how serious everything was. This next part gets a bit hazy between further scans and telling my family. I will try and remember to the best of my recollection though.

The PET scan
I had an appointment at the hospital to go for a PET (positron emission tomography) scan. A PET scan determines the stage of the cancer and if it has spread to other parts of the body. I went to this scan on my own as Ste had used up the majority of his leave and we tried to save the rest for important meetings and appointments. My mum and dad were on holiday with D & A for a few days which was a blessing really as I couldn’t be in contact with young children for up to 8 hours afterwards due to the radioactivity. I went to work in the morning and drove myself to the hospital. I was fine or so I thought. My mind might have been slightly preoccupied as I managed to drive into the ticket machine at the hospital car park and now had a nice red go faster stripe and dint on the drivers side. I’d normally let someone know of my misdemeanors but judging by the look of the ticket machine someone had also been for a PET scan earlier that day.

I text Ste to inform him of the damage he now said we were even as a couple of months earlier he managed to damage my boot by reversing into a post (we do have reversing cameras in the car might I add). I now drive round in something that looks like it’s been entered for a demolition derby minus access to a boot due to the fact that one weekend Ste decided to “make it shut proper” by putting a hammer to it. He did such a good job that it shuts so proper that it no longer opens (but that’s another tale). At the time on witnessing this I was making tea in the kitchen and thought to myself maybe the stress has actually got to him.

So, I had the PET scan. Before the scan they inject you with some radioactive dye and you have to lay as still as possible for around 20 minutes. This is so the scan shows up as clear as possible. During the scan one of the Radiotherapists talks to you and your told to hold your breath at certain intervals and remain as still as possible. Some people may find this scan quite claustrophobic but I felt fine about it all. It was just another part of the surreal yet current life journey.

The Results
Possibly a week after the PET scan I received a phone call from one of the skin care nurses. She said that I was to have an appointment with the Oncologist quite a few weeks later to discuss my results. I remember thinking this is far too long to wait and was quite anxious about it all. I phoned Ste and he got on the case. The skin care nurse agreed that another three weeks was too long to wait to discuss the results she had spoken to the Oncologists who was on holiday and they had agreed that she could discuss the results with us but on the condition that she might not know all the technical details. This was fine with us so we had an appointment arranged for the following day.

The skin care nurse didn’t have a room booked for the appointment so we arranged to meet her at a different ward with a meeting room she managed to borrow for the afternoon. Myself and Ste went to the ward and were told to sit in the waiting area. Whilst sitting there we sat facing a convict in handcuffs and a boiler suit. It was like a scene from the fugitive on an NHS budget.

The News
We met the skin care nurse whom I had talked on the phone to previously. She asked us if we wanted a cup of tea to which we both said no. She said she had an email from the Oncologist so she could tell us the results of the scan. She started the conversation with it’s not good news, it’s really bad news.. She began to relay the areas where cancer had spread in my body including my back, a large mass on my liver and a large mass 7cm on my chest. There was also a query as to whether the cancer had shown up in my brain and foot.

At this point both myself and Ste broken down in tears it had finally sunk in the seriousness of it all. I couldn’t stop crying and for the first time I realised the severity of it all and I felt I had lost control. Ste was devastated the skin care nurse was caring and had gone out of her way to ensure we weren’t hanging on for another few weeks.I can’t imagine it would have been easy for her telling us the news. She went out of the meeting room and went to get us a cup of tea and biscuits and she said we could wait in there as long as we needed. Later she came back and I was to go for an x-ray on my toe as I did mention I had broken it previously which is why it could have shown up on the scan. I was also to have another scan a few days later to determine if the cancer had actually spread to my brain. Once they had determined that then they could discuss treatment as I understand the treatment for cancer of the brain is different to that of other types of cancer but also that it’s not good. At that moment I was hanging onto the fact that I had coughed during the PET scan which could account for the imaging on the scan around my brain.

We were in shock and devastated this news wasn’t something I could tell my parents over the phone whilst away with our children. For the next few days I told a few white lies over the phone when asked about my results, that we would have to wait a couple of weeks until the Oncologist was back off leave. They had just come to terms with the news that I had cancer now I had to give them the news that it had spread to other areas and it was in fact Stage 4 cancer. See breaking the news that your ill with cancer to those that you love and care about isn’t something that’s easy or that you can prepare for but unfortunately its part of the process in having those individuals help and support you in your journey.

It’s just a follow up appointment

So it was just over a week after my operation (16th August 2017 to be exact) and I had an early appointment at ENT (Ear Nose and Throat) ward to discuss my results. Ste had asked if I wanted him to go with me but being that he had just started a new job and days before he had been in trouble for being on his phone all the time I said I would be fine and went alone. I sat the ENT ward and reception wasn’t open so I sat and waited. When the receptionist opened the shutter I let her know I was there and I took a seat in the waiting room.

Waiting is something you tend to be accustomed to whilst going to appointments, treatments and scans. I’m renowned for being late for most things however since this journey began even I look prompt. Having to wait isn’t something that I tend to bother about though as generally most appointments you go to you have a better understanding of how most doctors are overbooked, treatment is a privilege and waiting for an extra hour for an appointment is sometimes the least of your worries.

I can’t really remember how long I was sat waiting I think it was a while but eventually I was called in to see the doctor. I think the doctor was the same doctor that did the surgery to remove my submalindar gland. He asked how I was and I told him I was ok but I did have some pain in my neck and the side of my mouth he didn’t seem too concerned. He then asked if I had come alone. I said yes and I said my husband struggled to take time off. He asked if I was sure I didn’t want anyone there and I said no I was fine. There was another nurse in the room and then another male nurse suddenly seemed to come in the room. I should have realised then that something wasn’t quite right but I didn’t.

The doctor then sort of re-repeated the history of events like saying things like “you had this lump in your throat is that correct?” etc to which I replied “yes”. He proceeded with a few more rhetorical questions then he said “It’s not good news I’m afraid”. He then told me it was quite serious and I had malignant melanoma. He probably said quite a few other things but I can’t honestly remember. I think I remember saying “So it isn’t my thyroid then?” He then explained that the male nurse was a skin cancer nurse and that I would be now referred to another hospital as the ENT ward would no longer be able to assist me.

I remember I started to cry and remember seeing the female nurse in the corner trying to hold back her tears. She had also gone to get some tissues. The doctor kept apologising to which I remember saying “it’s not your fault”. They asked if I wanted to call my husband but to me it wasn’t going to achieve anything I’d already had the news. I remember the doctor gave me a hug at one point I’m not sure if that’s the norm but I’ll never forget that hug as at that time it showed how sincere he was to my situation. Although he was the one delivering the news that would certainly change my life, it was him and his team that helped find the cancer that had been hiding in my body. How long it had been there who knows but had the chain of events that let to this diagnosis not happened then I may have never have known before it was all to late so for that I am extremely grateful for.

Next I was taken into a side room with the skin care nurse. He said I would probably be in shock and forget most of what had been said. I was offered a cup of tea to which I never decline. I think he was right that I did forget a few things however I do remember the cup of tea and the fact that it was definitely not up to standard and pretty rubbish. The skin care nurse was nice but I didn’t exactly feel like opening up to him. I just wanted to get home.

I drove home and when I had just pulled up to the drive Ste phoned. My first initial thought was to lie and not mention it but when I picked up the phone to him and started crying the words just came out. Ste said he’d come home at lunch I said I was fine and for him not to worry. About 30 mins later he came home and I relayed the news that change our lives as we knew it. We went for a walk in the woods and took it all in. I left the appointment with a card form the skin care nurse. The day after Ste did phone up to check what had been said unfortunately I hadn’t been mistaken I did have skin cancer.