Melanoma and Me
The fight of my life
The story so far

Daily Dosage 0027

27th November 2023

Quote of the day

  • “It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Day 27

I’s day 27 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I’ve done my 100 for today I broke it down into sections and the back is holding out.

Learning the Art of Resilience

I think one of the skills I’ve had to develop as I’ve grown older is ‘resilience’. In my career in the early days, it was quite often a male dominated environment. I had to get used to the comments and heckles especially going to site being 5ft nothing, female in a clean hi-vis you would be a prime target. To be honest quite often I laughed it off. It didn’t bother me at all like everyone (regardless of gender) you had to prove yourself to gain some respect which I think did in the end. I’ve even made friends whom I am still in contact with today. It was more in my mid to late 20’s in a private company when it was so clear that Surveyors less qualified than me were getting the easy jobs, going on golf trips, skiing trips, then getting big bonuses at the end of the year when they hadn’t even made a profit. I would often have to work twice as hard to get this and did so, in the hope of to trying to prove my worth. It was unfair but at the time having a young family I thought there was no other option than to accept it. Then one day it came to a decision it was either my family that would break or my job. Obviously, I chose my family over my job.

At the time I mistakenly thought it was the only place that would take on a woman like myself (whom wanted to work part time and had very young children). This company however did teach me resilience and thick skin. I did find another job close by and there again I was given around 30 projects to manage. This wasn’t in anyway sustainable but this time I decided I wasn’t going to accept it like I had done so many years before. I highlighted it to the boss whom did nothing about it, so I moved on very quickly. Luckily, I found a job in Manchester it was a totally different environment, you weren’t expected to work all hours. You worked hard got paid what you invoiced for and you did your bit and just got on with it. It was a breath of fresh air. I was respected. People were treated equally; women were treated equally. This is what companies should be like.

Thankfully the industry has massively changed since I started not just in the construction industry in all sectors. More people are allowed to do flexible hybrid working. There is a big push for employee’s wellbeing and their working environments. At my last place I was extremely looked after and I like to think well respected. If I hadn’t had gone through the bad experiences at work in my previous companies, I would have never had the courage to move on to something better. I still have friends here that check in on me to see how I’m doing and that feels good.  All I think I ever wanted was to be valued and that just doesn’t apply to my career, it applies in relationships in friendships too.

Throughout my cancer journey I have had to try and remain resilient not once but twice. The first time nearly broke me it was totally unknown but then I somehow managed to get through it. This second time has challenged me in so many ways physically, emotionally and mentally but this thick resilient skin I have developed the one through all the years of constantly having things thrown at me to see if I would break. These are the things that have given me the strength to carry on and, in some ways, been able to give a middle finger to statistics and to cancer.

Because I know for every shit situation and no matter how many times you fall down there is always someone that will pick you up when you least expect it. There is always someone cheering you on from the sidelines when you aren’t looking. These are the people and things that have sprung me back like a stretched coil on many occasions when I could have quite easy given up. The comments from people that give me hope even when they are suffering themselves. This is what keeps me going. This is what will always keep me going regardless what is thrown in my way.

So, while my back maybe slightly damaged, I won’t let it stop me when I have come so far on this challenge!

I will definitely see you tomorrow x

Lessons learnt on reliance

  • When you feel your resilience is being tested be reminded that it is these testing times that will show your true strength
  • Always know your value even when others don’t.
  • There is always someone rooting for you from the sidelines when you least expect it
  • You can be easily replaced at work but not at home
The story so far

Daily Dosage 0026

26th November 2023

Quote of the day

‘Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars and see yourself running with them’ – Marcus Aurelius

Today it’s day 26 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I’ve done 100 already. All the excitement of doing the Christmas decorations has drained me. The Grinch’s heart has grown! Although this Grinch is slightly miffed off at all the empty Christmas boxes around the house that now go back into the loft. (damn I knew this wouldn’t last!!)

I’ve only got 4 more days of writing to go I’m finding it harder and harder now. The back is barely holding out but on a positive note I put a pair of pants on that I have never worn yesterday. I was going to sell them and buy the same pair in a bigger size so I’ve literally saved myself £30 quid. The squats must be working!

Reach for the Stars

 I have always had a fascination with the stars. At one point I used to have a loft bedroom both at my parent’s house and at my first house. I would love looking out of an evening at all the different stars. I find them amazingly calming and fascinating. I’ve never been an astronomer or astrologist other than reading Mystic Meg in the paper to determine my relationships or whether I should quit my job. Whatever your religion or beliefs, I don’t think you can argue with the beauty of the stars and the planets and what insignificance we are in comparison to these that have existed for millions of years.

One of my bucket lists is to see the Northern lights and to see an aurora. I just love the beauty of the colours. In all the madness in this world to see something so pure and natural would be absolutely a dream come true. Maybe one day I will do that.

I think is a good thing to aim high and ‘reach for the stars. If we don’t dream, how can we have goals and aspirations. If we don’t have goals and aspirations, how can we achieve the impossible. That’s one good thing about being a child they are the biggest dreamers. The skies the limit to then as they’ve not experienced a world with limitations and rules. So next time you look into the sky take a moment to put yourself up there amongst all the stars. Imagine achieving the impossible that only you can dream of and who knows what may be looking down on you in that very moment in time.

Hopefully you’re all having a good evening and have had a good weekend. Thankyou for spurring me on and keeping me going or for just commenting and sharing the end is on the horizon.

See you tomorrow

X

The story so far

Daily Dosage 0025

25th November 2023

Quote of the day

‘Maybe Christmas (he thought) doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more’ – The Grinch

Today it’s day 25 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I’ve done 100 already I went to the gym and did them as well as a bit of an upper body workout. Ste came with me and was actually quite helpful showing me some different exercises. Normally when he does things like this it’s a great way to end up in a row. Surprisingly this time we didn’t. Maybe he was a bit delicate this morning who knows! We then nipped into town to get Ste some breakfast/dinner and get some tea (not dinner) for tonight. I even got some Sarsaparilla cordial which I’m drinking now. It’s taking me back to times stood at Blackburn market absolutely freezing and being told to drink this weird tasting stuff from the health food stall. You had to stand there a drink it there and then, then give your cup back afterwards. Which I always found an enormous sense of pressure 1. Because of the pressure you were under to quickly drink up and 2. Because of my phobia of cup sharing and clean glasses. Therefore, I never really appreciated the drink as much as I am doing right now surprisingly it hasn’t brought back any PTSD.

Miss-understood Grinchmas
I’ve been somewhat labelled the Grinch among my friends for the past few years. I’ve even been bought a rather green looking pullover and an advent calendar. It is hard when one friend is like Buddy the elf and celebrates Christmas basically all year round and the other is like Stacy Soloman and has the whole house decorated top to toe early November. (If you’re pondering yes that sounds like me then it most likely is you!!). Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this, well maybe I am. I just think that Christmas comes earlier and earlier each year. I’m always late to any party so the pressure I feel and no doubt other parents feel can be hard. I feel like there’s a stigma to keep up with the latest trends of matching pyjamas, Christmas jumpers, bigger and better wreaths, Christmas Eve boxes, advent calendars which cost as much as an Christmas present, extravagant balloons, Elf on the shelf all just when I’ve not long got Ste to put up the Halloween decorations in loft. Every year there’s always some new trend that’s going on social media this is what I don’t like. I like to fully appreciate all the months. I don’t like the fact that as Christmas is become more and more commercialised (which ultimately if we follow the trends, we are the ones spending more and more money so who’s the winner there?) I feel were losing the true meaning of Christmas.
 
Tonight however, Archie wanted to put up the tree and decorations. It inevitably always ends up me and him most years as apparently, we are the creative ones. (not that I think it’s an excuse for the lazy ones or course!!). I thought about it and decided I would do. Who knows how many more years we will have of this this together. Ste had got all the boxes down from the loft so me and Archie made a start. We put on a Christmas film…. the Grinch of course (the original Jim Carey one not the animated one) and got started. I can honestly say I have loved this evening, we didn’t argue once, and although I wasn’t allowed to take a picture of him, I really enjoyed spending time with my not so little boy. He’s so creative with things like this and has done a great job so far. He’s much taller now so can help with the high stuff. I looked at him and it made my heart feel full this is what Christmas is about moments like these.
Our decorations aren’t the newest, the biggest or the fanciest. They have plates they made at the childminders they still want putting out every year, we have special decorations for Grandad Alan who’s no longer here and Ste always put that on the tree. For some reason I’m always allowed to put the angel on the top of the tree I think that’s only since I’ve been ill (we have to max out the C card sometimes!). Moments like these are what Christmas is about. Going to cheesy pantos, spending time with family and friends. Watching movies, you’ve seen a hundred times before but watch again just to see your children’s faces. Playing pictionary and trivial pursuits and silly games sat round the table having fun with family. Going out with friends, going for New Years walks with them. There are the things money cannot buy and maybe the Grinch (me) is just a little bit misunderstood. Maybe the Grinch just wants the true meaning of Christmas to be at the forefront of peoples minds of being together and present not pretentious and plastic.
 
 
Hopefully you’re all having a good evening. Our tree is not completely done but hopefully it will be tomorrow. I’m hoping to watch the Katie Taylor fight and Chantelle Cameron fight in a moment if I can stay awake. Have a good rest of the evening
 
See you tomorrow
X
 
 
 
 
The story so far

Daily Dosage 0024

24th November 2024

Quote of the day

‘A fresh lick of paint can make you appreciate what you already had.’ – R Cummings

Today it’s day 24 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I’ve done 100 already. Today was one of those days that my tiredness kicked in big time. This time it’s been my whole body. I’ve started doing a lot more and it’s inevitable that it would do at some point. We’ve had a busy week with the kids and to be honest that can be pretty draining in itself. Worrying about their next stages of life and if they will in fact turn into decent human beings!

A Fresh Perspective

Tonight, me and Ste just went out to get out of the house for a bit and I’m glad we did. Just to get away from the kids for a bit before getting a takeaway treat. Talking to our friends made me realise our kids aren’t that bad at all. I just need to look at it from a different perspective (a fresh lick of paint). Was I that bad when I was their age? (yes definitely) are things totally different for them now? (yes, certainly and in some ways harder). I made mistakes growing up, made stupid choices but I think that’s part of life. I don’t think I turned out too bad in the end. I had a good job, still have fantastic friends and can be pretty responsible (sometimes). I just need to let them make their own mistakes (within reason of course) and be there to help them if things do go wrong. That way they can hopefully learn and be better individuals as a result.

On a positive note, we’ve had some decorating done and I’m sat in the living room and it just feels so much nicer, brighter and fresh. I’m really appreciating the fact we have a nice cosy living room all it needed was a bit of TLC (probably a bit like us). It feels quite homely and I’m even contemplating on getting the Christmas tree out soon. Don’t worry this is highly likely not to happen being that I am reliant on Ste going up into the loft. We’ll be lucky if it gets done before Christmas Eve!

Hopefully you’re all having a good evening. If not try to look at it from a different perspective, a fresh pair of eyes. If not, my advice is just sleep on it and maybe it will be better tomorrow.

See you tomorrow

X x

The story so far

Daily Dosage 0023

23rd November 2023

Quote of the day

‘In order to write about life first you must live it’ – Ernest Hemmingway

Today it’s day 23 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I’ve done 75 just another 25 to go!! I went to my PT this morning and despite having a sore back my PT still managed to do a workout for me which was great. I think like most things in life everything is scalable and adaptable we just need to look beyond the ‘normal’ rules of sport/work/learning and life in general. It’s like the walking netball I go to. I am really enjoying it, I used to play netball pre kids but now I think I would struggle so this is a great way of picking up something I used to do but slightly different. It also means I socialise with a group of people I probably wouldn’t have normally.

The other night after my Battle Cancer class my friend was giving me ideas of what to write for my blogs as I am finding it difficult especially on my tired days. The days when I have done some exercise, I often need a sleep during the day just to recharge those energy levels again for the kids, for meal times, for the evening, for writing. I think you get the idea. Anyway, she mentioned something about 10 years from now and looking in the mirror. So, I’ve written this poem.

10 years from now…..

Really look into the mirror who do you see

An older version of the woman you used to be

A few more wrinkles, the odd laughter line too

Ones that show all you have been through

Your eyes still the same with a slightly different glow

The pain they have seen only you know

You’re older, wiser and stronger they say

You fought your corner and paved your way

But ten years from now is a long time away

Make the most of being present in each and every day

Life’s ocean at times can feel rough

But the storms you ride are what make you tough

And once the storms have passed

There will be calm at last

And in 10 years from now

You will be ever so proud

Of the person that’s stood in the mirror

The one with an aura that glimmers

By Rachel Cummings 23/11/23 (how weird is todays date!)

Thanks for the inspo Gill x

The story so far

Daily Dosage 0022

22nd November 2023

Quote of the day

‘Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, and accept it.’ – Unknown

‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’ – Buddhist Proverb

Today it’s day 22 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. This morning on the way to the hospital for an appointment we got a phone call to say that my appointment was cancelled. That miffed me off. I think I get more frustrated as I am aware that people often have to go out of their way to get me to these appointments especially my parents and Ste. My mum was taking me on this occasion so I felt bad for her. She had gone out of her way to take me and probably will do for my next rearranged appointment. The joys of not being able to drive do add a complexity and element of stress into our lives so I need to stay on my best behaviour and hope that I will get my licence back some time in the not-too-distant future.

Where there is pain can there be pleasure?

I’ve got really bad back ache today so I’m missing out on my walking netball as a result which I’m also miffed off about but know that I should just rest for 1 day (well maybe).  Unfortunately, when I’m in pain I think I take it out on others especially those closest to me. I don’t mean to but I have very little patience. I have been told I have quite a high pain threshold on a couple of occasions but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain. I think I show it in other ways like staying silent or just show it in my face. Someone once told me before I was due to have my first child that pain is only temporary. I think this was one of the best pieces of advice anyone has given me for coping. In moments of agony, I have often used this thought to get me through. I think this can also apply for emotional as well as physical pain.

We can’t always see the pain someone is suffering on the inside. I really feel for those suffering from the pain of depression or mental illness or chronic illnesses, dealing with it on a daily basis must be extremely difficult. I am lucky that I’m pretty much pain free most days. I think I would be even more moody than Ste thinks I am already if I was!!

So, from today where is my pleasure?

  • I got my 100 squats done early (albeit through gritted teeth and holding my back)
  • My mum took me to town and I bought some pain killers and some bubble bath so that should help
  • I got to spend time with my mum and bought her a coffee which was better than going to the hospital.
  • I messaged my instructor and he has given me some exercises to do which I will do later on
  • I’ve had chance to write this blog
  • Oh, and a brucei bonus I’m sat at home with the house to myself so that’s definitely something to be grateful for and smile about!!

Hope you all have a pain free day. If not hopefully tomorrow.

See you soon

X x  

The story so far

Daily Dosage 0021

21st November 2023

More than a number in my little red book

Today it’s day 21of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I haven’t yet done my squats and was thinking about what to write. Then I randomly opened a page from Matt Haigh’s The Comfort Book P230 and it discussed numbers.

It’s true that numbers are part of our every day life, we use it for our jobs for buying, for dialling, for calculating, for all sorts. We use it to measure our progress or rankings which can be a useful tool when trying to lose weight, run faster or get stronger. In fact, I used to be quite a numbers and spreadsheet girl until my brain tumour and after my operation. I wouldn’t be able to work out simple things like change from a note. It’s definitely come back which I’m glad as my kids have been taking advantage of the fact I can only deal in notes for far too long!!

I think all to often we judge people on not necessarily the ‘right’ sort of numbers. For example, the number of followers on TikTok, the number of friends someone has on Facebook, the number someone is paid for contracts footballers and movies stars, celebrities. Does this then make them a more valuable human being than the rest of us? How do you determine someone’s worth? If it is purely by the number in their bank account then I think we need to look further. For me I can’t deny that having a certain number (money) can mean you have access to more things you desire and can buy things you need or want to live. But I certainly don’t think I value someone’s worth on how many followers they have. I have more respect for WHAT people do to help others   

The Value of 1

You’re more than your number of followers on any given day

You’re more valuable than what you get paid

The tools that you use to compare yourself too

Don’t really show deep down the real you

What you give back to the world

 And have yet to be hurled

For patience and time

Your time will shine

Keep doing what you do

Always keeping yourself true

To the values you believe

And you will always achieve

Something special to hold

Worth 10.000 times more than gold

Deep down in side

You will always have pride

And the value of just 1

How powerful that can become

By Rachel Cummings 21st November 2023

(can you tell I only like poems that can rhyme, showing my limited writing abilities)

Keep doing your squats they are more than just a number they are what they represent, they represent a community joining forces to become a mighty ONE!

See you tomorrow

X