‘Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, and accept it.’ – Unknown
‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’ – Buddhist Proverb
Today it’s day 22 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. This morning on the way to the hospital for an appointment we got a phone call to say that my appointment was cancelled. That miffed me off. I think I get more frustrated as I am aware that people often have to go out of their way to get me to these appointments especially my parents and Ste. My mum was taking me on this occasion so I felt bad for her. She had gone out of her way to take me and probably will do for my next rearranged appointment. The joys of not being able to drive do add a complexity and element of stress into our lives so I need to stay on my best behaviour and hope that I will get my licence back some time in the not-too-distant future.
Where there is pain can there be pleasure?
I’ve got really bad back ache today so I’m missing out on my walking netball as a result which I’m also miffed off about but know that I should just rest for 1 day (well maybe). Unfortunately, when I’m in pain I think I take it out on others especially those closest to me. I don’t mean to but I have very little patience. I have been told I have quite a high pain threshold on a couple of occasions but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain. I think I show it in other ways like staying silent or just show it in my face. Someone once told me before I was due to have my first child that pain is only temporary. I think this was one of the best pieces of advice anyone has given me for coping. In moments of agony, I have often used this thought to get me through. I think this can also apply for emotional as well as physical pain.
We can’t always see the pain someone is suffering on the inside. I really feel for those suffering from the pain of depression or mental illness or chronic illnesses, dealing with it on a daily basis must be extremely difficult. I am lucky that I’m pretty much pain free most days. I think I would be even more moody than Ste thinks I am already if I was!!
So, from today where is my pleasure?
I got my 100 squats done early (albeit through gritted teeth and holding my back)
My mum took me to town and I bought some pain killers and some bubble bath so that should help
I got to spend time with my mum and bought her a coffee which was better than going to the hospital.
I messaged my instructor and he has given me some exercises to do which I will do later on
I’ve had chance to write this blog
Oh, and a brucei bonus I’m sat at home with the house to myself so that’s definitely something to be grateful for and smile about!!
Hope you all have a pain free day. If not hopefully tomorrow.
Today it’s day 21of the 100 squat a day challenge for November. I haven’t yet done my squats and was thinking about what to write. Then I randomly opened a page from Matt Haigh’s The Comfort Book P230 and it discussed numbers.
It’s true that numbers are part of our every day life, we use it for our jobs for buying, for dialling, for calculating, for all sorts. We use it to measure our progress or rankings which can be a useful tool when trying to lose weight, run faster or get stronger. In fact, I used to be quite a numbers and spreadsheet girl until my brain tumour and after my operation. I wouldn’t be able to work out simple things like change from a note. It’s definitely come back which I’m glad as my kids have been taking advantage of the fact I can only deal in notes for far too long!!
I think all to often we judge people on not necessarily the ‘right’ sort of numbers. For example, the number of followers on TikTok, the number of friends someone has on Facebook, the number someone is paid for contracts footballers and movies stars, celebrities. Does this then make them a more valuable human being than the rest of us? How do you determine someone’s worth? If it is purely by the number in their bank account then I think we need to look further. For me I can’t deny that having a certain number (money) can mean you have access to more things you desire and can buy things you need or want to live. But I certainly don’t think I value someone’s worth on how many followers they have. I have more respect for WHAT people do to help others
The Value of 1
You’re more than your number of followers on any given day
You’re more valuable than what you get paid
The tools that you use to compare yourself too
Don’t really show deep down the real you
What you give back to the world
And have yet to be hurled
For patience and time
Your time will shine
Keep doing what you do
Always keeping yourself true
To the values you believe
And you will always achieve
Something special to hold
Worth 10.000 times more than gold
Deep down in side
You will always have pride
And the value of just 1
How powerful that can become
By Rachel Cummings 21st November 2023
(can you tell I only like poems that can rhyme, showing my limited writing abilities)
Keep doing your squats they are more than just a number they are what they represent, they represent a community joining forces to become a mighty ONE!
Today it’s day 20 of the 100 squat a day challenge for November, I’m literally 2/3 of the way there. Squats completed, just gone for a walk as had a tiring day.
I thought I’d to something a bit different I had no idea if not I could fill the alphabet with all my related symptoms, treatment and medications. So, I gave it a try. Luckily, I have still a few more letters to go before I do (and I definitely don’t want to) there are probably other words that spring to mind later but I think you get the idea.
I thought by putting down all this information if someone is reading it and thinking I might go and get a tan on the sunbed or go and get burnt on holiday maybe they might think twice. That and I also want to highlight how lucky I am (we all are) that the NHS provides treatment and care for people like me to stay alive. Yes, it can make mistakes and definitely isn’t the most efficient at times. But there’s no questioning it is under enormous strain. So please let’s look after it and support it when we can as without it, we would all be worse off.
Quote of the day
People say you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.
A-Z
A – Aspasia, Ambulance, Appointments B – Brain tumour. Biopsies, Blood, Bedbound C – CT scans, Craniotomy, Canular, Catheter, Counselling, Cancer, Colitis D – Dermatology, Dizziness, Dexamethasone, Doctors E – Ear Nose and Throat, expressive dysphasia, F – Fatigue, fluorodeoxyglucose, fits, Factor 50 G – Glands (saliva gland), Gallstones, Gadolinium H -Hospitals, Hospice, Hair loss I – Immunotherapy, Ipilimumab, Inflammation, Iodine J – K- Keppra L – Liver Function Test M – Metastatic Melanoma, Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), Mobility aids N –Neurosurgeons, Nivolumab, Nurses, NHS O – Oncologist, Occupational therapist P – Physio therapist, Pulmonary Embolism, Prescriptions, Positron emission tomography (PET) scans Q – R – Rosemere Cancer Foundation, Radiotherapy, Rash, Radiotracer Injection S – Stereotactic radiosurgery (SRS), Seizures, Skin Care team, Speech Therapist, Steroids, Surgery, Scans, Stroke symptoms T – Tumours, Tiredness, Tinnitus U – Ultrasound, Unbalanced V – Veins, Vitamin D W – Waiting rooms, Warfarin X – X-ray Y – Yervoy Z
And by the way this isn’t a tick list for you all to try and hit like one of those list of things you should have done before the age of 40. I highly recommend you DO NOT try any of these! See you tomorrow X x
Today it’s day 19 of the 100 squat a day challenge. Squats completed went for a very wet and miserable walk to at least achieve something.
Always the optimist
Since cancer entered my life I have always on the majority of days been a glass half full kind of girl. Even when the odds seemed highly stacked against me on the first diagnosis never mind the second diagnosis. I have always tried to remain hopeful and positive. That is the only thing that keeps me going.
A lot of the time I use the first quotation in my daily affirmations. I must admit since starting these blogs and squats I have neglected my journalling on most days but the affirmations and mantra are very much there in my head. I’m very much of the opinion if I don’t have hope then how can I inspire and give others hope in their lives. Hope for better times ahead, hope for more time, hope for earlier diagnosis, hope for more treatment options and a hope to long and happy life.
‘Where words fail, music speaks’ Hans Christian Anderson
‘I’ve found that no matter what life throws at me, music softens the blow’ – Bryce W. Anderson
Today it’s day 18 of the 100 squat a day challenge. Squat completed bottom feeling a bit sore! I managed to have an early night and a lie in and felt much better for it. I’ve not long got back from the Christmas light switch on, comfies on now drying out sat by the roaring fire and typing away. I was really impressed with the big light switch on in town, lots of pop-up stalls, food and drink stalls and the general stage was really good. For a little town it’s getting better and better each year I just wish they did more stuff like this (pop up shops and events) on a regular basis to help local businesses and getting more people into town spending money. Ultimately if we all shopped locally at least once a week then there would be more and more businesses and more choice for customers whom don’t need to then go to the next town or major store to buy things. Sometimes yes it can be a little expensive but what you get is better customer service.
Anyway, before I carry on my rant about how the council should invest a lot more into the market, doctors’ surgery, schools in proportion to the number of housing developments that are being put up I’ll leave on a positive note. Tonight was a success and I think everyone enjoyed it including most of the middle-aged parents reliving their days up the Roxy dancing to various dance tunes including ‘Set You Free’ the banger everyone was waiting for including me. One year hopefully it won’t rain for everyone that would be a bonus.
Music can set you free
I absolutely love music. I am lucky that pre and post kids we went to quite a lot of concerts saw lots of bands and have some fantastic memories with them. Music can bring us so much emotion. Songs can may us cry and music can make us feel free. It brings people together that wouldn’t necessary be together. I can’t understand why people go to concerts pay all that money, get absolutely sh1t faced that they can’t remember the gig. Just enjoy the atmosphere enjoy the music then have a few drinks later.
I think one of the biggest effects on me with being diagnosed with brin tumours was the noise sensitivity it has brought to me. Something I totally took for granted before it happened, was that I could listen to any sort of music at any time or place. Go and enjoy concerts with friends go to see live music. This has been a total game changer and one quite upsetting if truth be told I often feel and I know I am missing out on good nights. I don’t go and switch a radio on in fact I avoid it and probably don’t have a clue on what has been No 1 for the past couple of years.
However, on the plus side things are definitely getting better. This time last year I think I really struggled with the light switch on. Now when I go in the gym and I can put my own music on to drown out whatever is playing in the background. It’s strange that my playlist is chilled 90’s this is what I find the easiest to listen too. Maybe that’s what my brain recognises.
Not so long ago I went to Madonna with one of my best friends Em. It was so good I had such an amazing time one that I will remember forever. I even managed to listen to the songs without my headphones on just my ear plugs in. Now that was an achievement in itself and to share that experience with her was just special.
So, hope you all enjoy your evening please if you feel like it put a bit of N-trance on and dance in the kitchen for me.
See the world as if it for the first time, see it through the eyes of a child and you will suddenly find that you are free – Deepak Chopra
Today it’s day 17 of the 100 squat a day challenge. I can honestly say I am tired. I’ve been quite busy this week and need an early night in the hope of seeing the big light switch on. No, it’s not us putting on the living room lights at home (electricity prices are far too high for that!). It’s the town Christmas light switch on. N-trance are one of the main events and a think most of my friends are trying to relive their youth of drinking hooch, mad dog and cider from a bottle at house parties with N-trance on repeat because in the good old days you could only afford the single. If you were lucky, it maybe had a ‘B’ side. I specifically remember one party at my friend’s house and this song was on repeat for what felt like hours! I’m hoping N-trance might do a few more ‘turns’ than that tomorrow. My friends are a lot more sophisticated these days and have progressed onto beer, prosecco and mulled wine (because it’s Christmas). I will have to literally play it by ear as not sure if it will be too much but would definitely like to pop down.
Children in Need Tonight, it’s Children in Need which is normally a great night but inevitably ends up in tears from the various stories of children less fortunate than us growing up and of our children. But there are so many greats things that people are doing for this fantastic charity. I have many fond memories of watching Terry Wogan growing up as a kid, dressing up for school and then seeing the final total late at night. One year I was last minute organising the kids’ outfits for school (yes, I know this may come as a surprise to you). The kids had forgot to mention that it was children in need that morning and I didn’t want them to be the only kids not dressing up so I did what most parents can relate to…. I improvised. We didn’t have any yellow t-shirts as neither of my children like yellow (and that would have been far too easy). I got two old t-shirts out of their drawers and looked around for paint or pens (nothing). So, I went in the garage and just so happened to have some spray paint. The options were limited grey primer, black stove paint, red paint and thankfully yellow marker paint. So, I quickly set about spraying the t-shirts front and back. The paint had just managed to dry, it had gone through the other side in some places, but the fumes coming off from the kids’ t-shirts were horrendous! I checked they weren’t dizzy, warned them not to go near anything flammable (joking) gave them a kiss and sent them on their merry way. They seemed happy enough and I was chuffed I had winged yet another dress up day!
So, hope you all enjoy your evening watching and donating for children in need. If we could all see the world through the eyes of a child, I think the world would be a much happier, simpler place. See you tomorrow X x x
Today it’s day 16 of the 100 squat a day challenge/ I’ve already done my 100 for today so feeling good that I’ve not left it until late on. I’ve had a nice catch up with a friend and then hoping to maybe spend some time with Ste later on.
Quote of the day
‘Words are never quite the thing they describe, but that is also their use. They can help externalise internal things. The moment we try and turn a thought into words we place it into a shared world. This shared world we call ‘language’. Once we take our personal unseen experiences and make them seen, we help others, and even ourselves, to understand what we are going through. What we say aloud can never quite capture what we feel inside, but that is almost the point. Words don’t capture, they release. – Matt Haigh ‘The Comfort Book’ P32
It’s Only Words
How often when someone asks the question ‘are you ok?’ do you reply back ‘fine/good’ or something very similar. When deep down inside how you’re feeling is the absolute total opposite. There are number of factors which may stop you from disclosing your true feelings, some I can think of are;
is it’s not the appropriate audience
you don’t really want to disclose your feelings to a total stranger
you’re in a rush and have other priorities
you can’t think of the words to say
the person who is asking is a nosey b@st”rd and has genuinely no interest in your feelings
I mean you wouldn’t want to be telling some poor stranger at a coffee shop that in fact you’ve just had a massive row with your partner, you’re really hormonal and think that your boss is a total nob. They don’t really care they just want to know how you like your coffee and if you would like to be robbed of an additional 40p just for having a different kind of milk.
Writing my blogs I feel like I am talking to people. Letting them know how I’m feeling in the hope that if someone is feeling the same way but also struggling to find the words to say they know they are not alone in their thoughts. It also helps me and others understand what I am going through then I don’t have to have the same questions you get when people know you are ill. I definitely get more then 10,000 words out in my head a day that’s for sure.
I always find my words and blogs give me a sense of relief and release. I always try to be honest in my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I write things I don’t think I would ever be able to articulate in the same way. I know this for a fact, I had been offered therapy. I did go to a handful of sessions. For me though I didn’t honestly feel comfortable talking. It brought with it more negative emotions than positive maybe that was a good thing to maybe addressing my feelings who knows. I am totally not saying that you shouldn’t speak to a therapist. Please do if there is something that you are struggling with and bottling up inside and you feel you can only talk to a stranger then do it.
For me though my way of talking is through writing my words. I think it’s probably because I don’t get questions back. It’s a one-way conversation and I’m in charge! (not like at home) I’ve often thought should I try a different medium to writing maybe a podcast. Would this interest more people as time is precious and often a lot of people don’t always make the time to sit down and read There are a couple of obstacles to trying this though.
My local nasally twang
My aphasia, I’m not really sure whether this would kick in or not.
Maybe I should try reading out loud one of my blogs. Who knows it could possibly work as a sleeping aid for insomniacs??
So, for know I’ll just stick to my Daily blogs for November and hope that you continue to enjoy them.
Maybe if you also aren’t ready to talk to the world about how you are feeling why not start by writing those feelings down, even if they are for your eyes only. Also, if you happen to ask someone if they are ok. Maybe look at their body language too that can sometimes say a lot more. Then ask again ‘are you really, ok?’ Sometimes they might just be struggling to find the words.
Don’t ever feel like you are all alone there is always someone there to listen and help. Here are some services which may help you;
