‘Where words fail, music speaks’ Hans Christian Anderson
‘I’ve found that no matter what life throws at me, music softens the blow’ – Bryce W. Anderson
Today it’s day 18 of the 100 squat a day challenge. Squat completed bottom feeling a bit sore! I managed to have an early night and a lie in and felt much better for it. I’ve not long got back from the Christmas light switch on, comfies on now drying out sat by the roaring fire and typing away. I was really impressed with the big light switch on in town, lots of pop-up stalls, food and drink stalls and the general stage was really good. For a little town it’s getting better and better each year I just wish they did more stuff like this (pop up shops and events) on a regular basis to help local businesses and getting more people into town spending money. Ultimately if we all shopped locally at least once a week then there would be more and more businesses and more choice for customers whom don’t need to then go to the next town or major store to buy things. Sometimes yes it can be a little expensive but what you get is better customer service.
Anyway, before I carry on my rant about how the council should invest a lot more into the market, doctors’ surgery, schools in proportion to the number of housing developments that are being put up I’ll leave on a positive note. Tonight was a success and I think everyone enjoyed it including most of the middle-aged parents reliving their days up the Roxy dancing to various dance tunes including ‘Set You Free’ the banger everyone was waiting for including me. One year hopefully it won’t rain for everyone that would be a bonus.
Music can set you free
I absolutely love music. I am lucky that pre and post kids we went to quite a lot of concerts saw lots of bands and have some fantastic memories with them. Music can bring us so much emotion. Songs can may us cry and music can make us feel free. It brings people together that wouldn’t necessary be together. I can’t understand why people go to concerts pay all that money, get absolutely sh1t faced that they can’t remember the gig. Just enjoy the atmosphere enjoy the music then have a few drinks later.
I think one of the biggest effects on me with being diagnosed with brin tumours was the noise sensitivity it has brought to me. Something I totally took for granted before it happened, was that I could listen to any sort of music at any time or place. Go and enjoy concerts with friends go to see live music. This has been a total game changer and one quite upsetting if truth be told I often feel and I know I am missing out on good nights. I don’t go and switch a radio on in fact I avoid it and probably don’t have a clue on what has been No 1 for the past couple of years.
However, on the plus side things are definitely getting better. This time last year I think I really struggled with the light switch on. Now when I go in the gym and I can put my own music on to drown out whatever is playing in the background. It’s strange that my playlist is chilled 90’s this is what I find the easiest to listen too. Maybe that’s what my brain recognises.
Not so long ago I went to Madonna with one of my best friends Em. It was so good I had such an amazing time one that I will remember forever. I even managed to listen to the songs without my headphones on just my ear plugs in. Now that was an achievement in itself and to share that experience with her was just special.
So, hope you all enjoy your evening please if you feel like it put a bit of N-trance on and dance in the kitchen for me.
See the world as if it for the first time, see it through the eyes of a child and you will suddenly find that you are free – Deepak Chopra
Today it’s day 17 of the 100 squat a day challenge. I can honestly say I am tired. I’ve been quite busy this week and need an early night in the hope of seeing the big light switch on. No, it’s not us putting on the living room lights at home (electricity prices are far too high for that!). It’s the town Christmas light switch on. N-trance are one of the main events and a think most of my friends are trying to relive their youth of drinking hooch, mad dog and cider from a bottle at house parties with N-trance on repeat because in the good old days you could only afford the single. If you were lucky, it maybe had a ‘B’ side. I specifically remember one party at my friend’s house and this song was on repeat for what felt like hours! I’m hoping N-trance might do a few more ‘turns’ than that tomorrow. My friends are a lot more sophisticated these days and have progressed onto beer, prosecco and mulled wine (because it’s Christmas). I will have to literally play it by ear as not sure if it will be too much but would definitely like to pop down.
Children in Need Tonight, it’s Children in Need which is normally a great night but inevitably ends up in tears from the various stories of children less fortunate than us growing up and of our children. But there are so many greats things that people are doing for this fantastic charity. I have many fond memories of watching Terry Wogan growing up as a kid, dressing up for school and then seeing the final total late at night. One year I was last minute organising the kids’ outfits for school (yes, I know this may come as a surprise to you). The kids had forgot to mention that it was children in need that morning and I didn’t want them to be the only kids not dressing up so I did what most parents can relate to…. I improvised. We didn’t have any yellow t-shirts as neither of my children like yellow (and that would have been far too easy). I got two old t-shirts out of their drawers and looked around for paint or pens (nothing). So, I went in the garage and just so happened to have some spray paint. The options were limited grey primer, black stove paint, red paint and thankfully yellow marker paint. So, I quickly set about spraying the t-shirts front and back. The paint had just managed to dry, it had gone through the other side in some places, but the fumes coming off from the kids’ t-shirts were horrendous! I checked they weren’t dizzy, warned them not to go near anything flammable (joking) gave them a kiss and sent them on their merry way. They seemed happy enough and I was chuffed I had winged yet another dress up day!
So, hope you all enjoy your evening watching and donating for children in need. If we could all see the world through the eyes of a child, I think the world would be a much happier, simpler place. See you tomorrow X x x
Today it’s day 16 of the 100 squat a day challenge/ I’ve already done my 100 for today so feeling good that I’ve not left it until late on. I’ve had a nice catch up with a friend and then hoping to maybe spend some time with Ste later on.
Quote of the day
‘Words are never quite the thing they describe, but that is also their use. They can help externalise internal things. The moment we try and turn a thought into words we place it into a shared world. This shared world we call ‘language’. Once we take our personal unseen experiences and make them seen, we help others, and even ourselves, to understand what we are going through. What we say aloud can never quite capture what we feel inside, but that is almost the point. Words don’t capture, they release. – Matt Haigh ‘The Comfort Book’ P32
It’s Only Words
How often when someone asks the question ‘are you ok?’ do you reply back ‘fine/good’ or something very similar. When deep down inside how you’re feeling is the absolute total opposite. There are number of factors which may stop you from disclosing your true feelings, some I can think of are;
is it’s not the appropriate audience
you don’t really want to disclose your feelings to a total stranger
you’re in a rush and have other priorities
you can’t think of the words to say
the person who is asking is a nosey b@st”rd and has genuinely no interest in your feelings
I mean you wouldn’t want to be telling some poor stranger at a coffee shop that in fact you’ve just had a massive row with your partner, you’re really hormonal and think that your boss is a total nob. They don’t really care they just want to know how you like your coffee and if you would like to be robbed of an additional 40p just for having a different kind of milk.
Writing my blogs I feel like I am talking to people. Letting them know how I’m feeling in the hope that if someone is feeling the same way but also struggling to find the words to say they know they are not alone in their thoughts. It also helps me and others understand what I am going through then I don’t have to have the same questions you get when people know you are ill. I definitely get more then 10,000 words out in my head a day that’s for sure.
I always find my words and blogs give me a sense of relief and release. I always try to be honest in my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I write things I don’t think I would ever be able to articulate in the same way. I know this for a fact, I had been offered therapy. I did go to a handful of sessions. For me though I didn’t honestly feel comfortable talking. It brought with it more negative emotions than positive maybe that was a good thing to maybe addressing my feelings who knows. I am totally not saying that you shouldn’t speak to a therapist. Please do if there is something that you are struggling with and bottling up inside and you feel you can only talk to a stranger then do it.
For me though my way of talking is through writing my words. I think it’s probably because I don’t get questions back. It’s a one-way conversation and I’m in charge! (not like at home) I’ve often thought should I try a different medium to writing maybe a podcast. Would this interest more people as time is precious and often a lot of people don’t always make the time to sit down and read There are a couple of obstacles to trying this though.
My local nasally twang
My aphasia, I’m not really sure whether this would kick in or not.
Maybe I should try reading out loud one of my blogs. Who knows it could possibly work as a sleeping aid for insomniacs??
So, for know I’ll just stick to my Daily blogs for November and hope that you continue to enjoy them.
Maybe if you also aren’t ready to talk to the world about how you are feeling why not start by writing those feelings down, even if they are for your eyes only. Also, if you happen to ask someone if they are ok. Maybe look at their body language too that can sometimes say a lot more. Then ask again ‘are you really, ok?’ Sometimes they might just be struggling to find the words.
Don’t ever feel like you are all alone there is always someone there to listen and help. Here are some services which may help you;
“The one absolute, unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world—the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous—is his dog.” George Graham Vest
“I have found that when you are deeply troubled, there are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source.’ Doris Day
Man, and Woman’s’ Best Friend
Today it’s day 15 of the 100 squat a day challenge and 15 days of writing my blog. I’m half way and things are definitely getting more challenging aches, pains and niggles and struggling to think of things to write which keep people reading my blogs. I’m here though and actually really enjoying and hope you are too.
I’ve always been a dog lover over a cat person. I’ve tried but for these reasons I just can’t seem to like them;
They have literally no loyalty and will go to several houses to be fed given half the chance.
The way they just sh1t on your lawn and your expected to pick it up. If it was a dog that would be a completely different story.
The way the parade their star fish bottom in your face
For me I’d take a dog any day over a cat. A few months before I was diagnosed with cancer Ste finally gave in and I got my own way. We researched a few breeds and both decided on a whippet. I’ll be honest I would have gone for anything I wanted one so badly but getting a whippet was one of our smartest decisions in life.
They always say don’t pick the first one you see well we did exactly that. We went over to a whippet breeder who had two puppies left. One was a bit feisty and playful and then there was Woody just sat there all calm and chilled out. I knew he was the one for us to bring a bit of calm in the house.
From the moment he has been here he really has been the best dog ever. Hardly any trouble not many accidents and I can honestly say without him I wouldn’t have had a purpose to get out on the difficult days even if it was just for a moment.
They say dogs are like their owners well Woody being a whippet is tall and slim so maybe we’re the exception to the rule. He does however have a few similarities like me these are;
He doesn’t like cats
He likes walking outside
He likes to sit by the fire to get warm
He likes to sleep
We call him my shadow at home as literally as soon as I put my coat on or shoes, he’s there next to me as if to say I’m coming to. I’m literally sat here typing and he’s giving me that sad stare to say (can you either put the fire on or can I go out for a poo). Either way he’s making me feel guilty.
Walking with a limp
A few months ago, my mum took me to the local reservoir we were going to walk round as we hadn’t done it for a long time and this was something both me and her had challenged ourselves at different times during our fitness journey. This time it was mum who had the ailment. She had plantar facetious (easy for you to say). She was still insistent we go walking round the res (not sure who I get my stubbornness from!). So, we set off, Woody was in tow living his best life sniffing and looking at ducks. Mum was hobbling especially as the path we were on was uneasy. We continued to walk at a snail’s pace and after a bit mum rested on the next bench that we came to. It was clear she was in pain so I suggested we turn back. It took quite a while to get back mum was hobbling all along.
The next day I was walking Woody and he was limping a little bit. I noticed it but couldn’t think of anything he had done whilst being out to cause the limp. Later that evening my mum and dad came round for tea and my mum mentioned did he have a limp and I said yes but I could work out why. She was still hobbling around our house and in the kitchen.
Then later on Ste had been watching this you tube video of this man who had spent thousands in vet bills trying to find out why his greyhound was limping. He happened to have broken his legs. It turned out there was nothing wrong with the dog it was literally limping out of empathy for his owner. We laughed at this so tried it out sure enough every time Woody saw my mum, he limped a bit. When he was out with me absolutely fine! It was so funny just glad we realised before we took him to the vets for a check-up.
Woody has been with me through thick and thin. The number of times I’ve been struggling just a walk with him or a hug does me the world of good. When I’ve been slow and not much mobility he just goes at my pace. Often when I’ve been upset, he comes and rests his chin on the sofa arm next to me to say ‘Cheer up love’. I don’t know if it’s a whippet, dog or pet thing but he really does love me unconditionally and can lift my moods most of the time.
So, here’s to you
Woody Happy 7th Birthday for tomorrow. The one companion who’s been with me on this cancer journey and has kept me going, the one who doesn’t answer back or ask for much (unlike my kids). Tomorrow, I’ll get you your favourite treat.
Lessons Learnt
Don’t always trust a limping dog
Pets can be a lot more emotionally sensitive then we realise
Pets can boost ourselves both physically and mentally. (even cats, hamsters, fish, gerbils etc)
I will get a better photo of us Gill for next time x
Quote of the day
“The power of community to create health is far greater than any physician, clinic or hospital.” – Mark Hyman
One of the marvellous things about community is that it enables us to welcome and help people in a way we couldn’t as individuals. When we pool our strength and share the work and responsibility, we can welcome many people, even those in deep distress, and perhaps help them find self-confidence and inner healing.” – Jean Vanier
Joining forces
Today was a much better day I’m pleased to tell you. The storm has passed in the Cummings household it’s just a bit breezy!!
I’ve done my 100 squats, sorted some paperwork, sent some parcels, took Woody for a walk and generally think I’m winning at life so I will hold onto this feeling before it inevitably comes crashing to an abrupt end. The best of my day however was just going to my Battle Cancer class.
I’ve been going to this for a couple of weeks now and really enjoying it. It’s a free programme and runs nationwide. There just so happens to be a cross fit gym near me that runs the programme. Everyone that attends the classes have been affected by cancer in some way or another (either been given the all clear or still under going treatment or living with cancer). We’re all in the same not so elite club none of us really wanted to join but are just making the most of the situation. A bit like when you sign up for a discount card for somewhere you’re probably only going to visit once and then later regret the number of emails appearing in your inbox and the card now taking up space in your purse/wallet but was worth it for the £10 discount you received that time.
Anyway, the battle cancer programme tailors for all abilities. There are always scalable options for people to do the exercises that are suitable to them. We’re all joining forces and coming together sometimes slightly feeling out of our comfort zones but each time learning and hopefully getting better. I love the way we’re becoming a little community spurring each other on and getting to know each other.
As someone with cancer and an invisible disability I really lost a lot of confidence when it came to getting back into fitness. I have always been active so to start back from literally square one it took a lot of courage to step into my local leisure centre to initially go swimming and then the gym. I really had to build up a lot of confidence. Sometimes asking if the music could be turned down when the young instructors were reliving their Ibiza night bangers. Feeling like you have to apologise for your situation and explain how it affects you can be a burden. Until it happened to me, I never gave noise a second thought. Now it’s a daily thing I face and have to think about how I manage my day however my noise sensitivity is getting better and so is my speech. I do still avoid generally busy periods and don’t go to any classes.
I don’t go out the house without my flares (ear plugs not 70’s jeans) and my noise cancelling headphones which I play my 90’s beats which drowns background noises out. These have been a life saver for me.
But walking into Battle Cancer you don’t have to be worried about those situations. You don’t need to explain yourself. The instructor knows everyone’s’ unique situation and that can take a lot of pressure of. All different ages coming together for the same purpose to not let cancer beat or define us. I really like Pete the instructor you can tell how passionate he is about the programme. How it has improved peoples lives already. Him and Suzi make it feel achievable and enjoyable at the same time and I’m truly grateful for the opportunity to do this and for them taking up their spare time.
What makes this even more fantastic is that one of my old (well same age me, so young) friends is doing the course with me. She also has become a member of the cancer club. Whereas years ago, we were playing in the playground together mucking about, now were playing in a bigger playground and the sky is the limit. I’m so happy I get to share this journey with her even if it wasn’t one neither of us wanted to be on, we’ve got this!
For more information on the Battle Cancer Programme please see the following link. If you or someone you know could benefit from the programme, get them to enquire. What’s the worst that could happen?
‘Stop trying to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.’ – Matt Hogan
One bad day
We can all have one bad day. I think today has been mine. It started off really good, I did something totally new which I enjoyed. However, there has been a bit of a storm in the Cummings household tonight. Being a parent can be a difficult job I think deep down we’re all winging it (well I am anyway). I’m at that stage now where my kids are older so you’re not making decisions for them you’re just having to trust they making the right decisions and that’s it’s difficult when they’re not. You have to discipline them for making the wrong choices but they are these independent individuals you have raised to be just that. Therein lies the conflict and somehow you feel a sense of guilt responsibility for this. This little people didn’t come with a manual and if they did, I think it was in a totally foreign language to what I know.
Because of tonight’s ‘storm’ I am honestly struggling to think what to write so this blog is definitely going to be a short one. I think the key to take from today is that not to let one bad day become a bad week, a bad year and so on. Things can’t always get resolved overnight somethings take time and I’m sure tomorrow will be a brighter day but for tonight we just have to ride the storm.
So today I will focus on going to bed with the positives;
100 squats completed
Wrote a short blog
Did something completely new
Hope you’ve all had a good day and if not don’t worry there’s always tomorrow
See you then
P.S No children were harmed in the making of this blog!!
1.’If you find something very difficult to achieve yourself, don’t imagine it impossible – anything possible and proper for another person can be achieved as easily by you’ – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.19
We all can do it
Hope you’ve all had a good weekend. I’ve had a pretty good weekend spent catching up with different friends and resting. Today we went to cheer on my close friends Declan and Jenny doing the Lytham 10K. When we got there the weather was terrible. I was hoping for a medal just standing outside in the rain and walking to near the finish line (never mind the 10K!)! It was cold, wet and miserable, something which I know really would have affected Dec.
Dec who is registered blind and uses a cane also has ASD (autism spectrum disorder). To do a 10K is an achievement in itself for most people, but to walk the whole thing unaided is absolutely amazing! Jen managed a P.B and I think even she will agree this was definitely by sheer determination and mind over matter, especially as she started at the back with her son Declan.
These two are absolute testament that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Jen’s legs looked like two slender tins of corn beef when she had finished the weather had totally battered them. Walking to the pub to seek shelter I felt like I was walking with a tin of spam, I think the mustard wool hat topped it off. The poor girl was shivering and was starting to seize up it had been that cold. Dec was on cloud nine when he finished and rightly so.
We may not always be Olympic athletes and achieve world records but showing others and inspiring them to maybe do things that are outside of their comfort zones now, that is something that you should hold with pride. We can either look at people’s achievements with green eyed jealously and find a million of reasons why we haven’t achieved as much as them or we can look at their achievements as a way of inspiring us in our own lives. Today my friends did that as well as raise a fantastic amount of money for Rosemere Cancer Foundation (somewhere I have benefited from). So, who knows Jen and Dec maybe I might be brave next year and get my corn beef thunder thighs out to do a 10K or do something else out of my comfort zone. In the mean time I hope you both enjoyed your well earned tea and beers.
If anyone would like to sponsor Declan I’m sure he would be more than grateful
