‘Show me that the good life doesn’t consist in length, but in its use, and that it is possible – no entirely too common – for a person who has had a long life to have lived too little.’ Seneca, Moral Letters, 49.10b’
3rd November 2023
Live Your Life
Tonight, I’m sat in front of a lovely roaring fire, my dog Woody staring at me, Stand Up to Cancer is on in the background which is the whole reason why I’m doing the 100 squats a day challenge and writing these blogs for 30 days.
I remember when I was first diagnosed 6 years ago, we went away one October half term. We had just been to a nearby adventure park and did a 100ft plummet as well as rode on a forest toboggan. It was a fantastic day, one which I will always remember the fear, adrenaline and natural protection of each of my children as I plummeted down both the fall and the toboggan ride. That night we sat in the cosy caravan watching Stand Up to Cancer. At the time it said that 1 in 4 people will be affected by cancer in their life time. There we were. I was our 1 in 4 but I was sort of glad that if it had to be 1 of us it was me. How ever scared I was of what the future would hold for me.
This evening tonight, it’s now 1 in 2. So, in 6 years it’s doubled the amount of people affected by cancer. It’s so scary and I believe our lifestyles and processed food have a lot to play in that (but that’s another blog). That’s why it’s so important we keep on funding for research to help find causes and treatment to all cancers.
Watching programmes like this can be quite hard and heart warming in equal measures. I know I won’t be able to get through the night without shedding a tear. In fact, I’ve put it on silent now so I can concentrate and not get to upset whilst writing this blog. (Plus, I’m particularly bad at multi-tasking…. I should have been a man!!).
No one knows how long we have on this planet. That’s why it’s so important that we live our lives to the fullest that we can. Live in the moment. Enjoy the simple things, not materialistic items. Make the most of our health, visit exciting places, go outside our comfort zones. Help others, be kind, love with all your heart. Grab opportunities that come your way, who knows what exciting paths they may lead you to. Leave your mark and legacy in this world how ever short your presence is.
That’s what I intend to do in honour of all of those who haven’t had the privilege to do so.
Have a great evening, see you tomorrow x
P.S I’ve done my 100 squats for today and have had a great day catching up with my lovely mum and some friends for a little bit.
In life no matter who you are there will always be things that come natural to you and things that don’t. There maybe things you haven’t yet discovered you’re good at yet because you haven’t tried. That’s the great thing about life having opportunity to try new things and not being afraid to be well pretty sh1t at them at first. Every master was once the apprentice.
I honestly believe we’re all built to have different abilities and capabilities to add some value to this world. It could be you’re really good at art, baking, sewing, plastering, joinery, science, naturally talented in sport or music there are an endless list of things. Our brains and bodies are so amazing, we are all totally unique.
People who are successful in life (what ever that maybe) will have consistently played to their strengths time and time again. But even successful people will need to continually put the effort in to continue to succeed and become even better version of themselves. This also means you need to acknowledge your weaknesses.
When I think about this I’m often reminded of the scene in The Office where it’s Big Keith’s (the accountant) appraisal and David Brent asks him what are his strengths and he just put ‘accounts’. Then he says under weaknesses you’ve put eczema. I chuckle every time thinking of that. Brilliant programme.
So, here’s a thing I want you to do today write down 5 of your strengths. It can be absolutely anything doesn’t have to be work related it can be something regarding a sport or an emotion or skill. I’d maybe be a bit more specific than Keith though and avoid writing anything regarding any ailments or illnesses out of your control.
Now I want to you to write down 5 weaknesses regarding that strength. I’ll give you an example of a couple of mine;
Strengths: Writing
Weakness; Being consistent, my grammar
Strength: Being kind
Weakness: Over sensitive, worry what others think
Strength: Strong legs
Weakness: Poor balance, mobility and weak glute
If you’re anything like me you will find it harder to write down your strengths and be more critical about your weaknesses. We are often so critical of ourselves we forget all our achievements. Now for the remainder of the month if you can I want you to work on the weaknesses that you have identified even if it’s jut one element. I’m going to try and would love to see at the end of the month if by working on or acknowledging our weakness we also might improve a little of our strengths.
That’s it for today I’ve already ticked off my 100 squats. One of the kids were complaining about a sore back so I’m not holding my breath they will complete today’s challenge but I can’t force them that’s something I am slowly learning and working on. I can’t force others to always do the same as me.
Remember no-one is perfect, we all have our flaws but it doesn’t mean we can’t become better versions of ourselves it just requires a little bit of effort and consistency. Something I’m trying to work on myself
Hello so today it’s the 1st of November and I’ve decided to do the 100 squat challenge for whole month of November. Ste’s decided he can’t do the 100 squat challenge, due to being on the older side of middle aged and obtaining football injuries almost every week he plays. He thought it will be safer if he started on the floor. He will be doing 100 sit ups a day but it’s the taking part that counts kids! Speaking of kids by some miracle both kids have decided to join in with this, which I am genuinely shocked and proud in equal measures.
To help with my squat challenge I’ve invested in a clicker to help me count. I’ve done this in hindsight that on completion of the challenge I can also be available for crowd counting, working on the doors in bars and nightclubs (preferably the latter).
I’ve also decided that I will write a short ‘Daily Dosage’ blog every day for the whole of November. Don’t worry this won’t all be about sit ups and squats (as that would be really dull) but little snippets just generally what ever pops up in my mind (think this highlights the lack of planning on my behalf as per usual). I’ve done this because hopefully it will give me some consistency in just writing a bit each day, something I’m not particularly good at and don’t really have any excuses for.
Why am I doing this? Well because for quite a while now I’ve been pondering WHY? WHY did I start my blog in the first place? WHY do I overshare personal thoughts and experiences? That WHY still hasn’t changed 6 years down the line. WHY I do it is because I genuinely want my experiences to help others. Share knowledge, symptoms, treatment, emotions, warning signs all in the most light hearted and honest way I can. Showing others, cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, we can still live happy and fulfilling lives while facing sometimes incurable cancers. However, that’s not to say we don’t want to stand up to cancer, in fact I’d love to theoretically knock the sh1t out of it. Hopefully one day we won’t have to. Hopefully one day in the not-too-distant future there will be a cure for all cancers. In the mean time I’m not planning on going anywhere soon. So, here’s to completing my DAY 1 of writing and squat challenge. Did I do it all in one go, NO but the end result was still the same just little chunks at a time. Well done me.
At times I feel certain I am right while not knowing the reason’ – Albert Einstein
If the absolute worst that could happen to you is that your are wrong for following your gut and body that something isn’t quite right despite what others are telling you. Then surely that’s a risk worth taking? – Rachel Cummings
The start of the subtle changes
It was August 2021 we had just been on holiday to Wales for a week which proved to be rather more stressful than holidays should be possibly be. I won’t go into too much detail but when I look back on all the events that had happened in the months prior, I wonder if they may have triggered stress and subsequently my brain tumours. This is something I will never likely know but something I don’t ever intend on finding out. But it is why I feel so strongly that living a stress-free life is key to health (both mental and physical).This month proved to be probably one of the most traumatic months in my life to date. Despite my blogs I have never gone into specific detail about all the events that happened up to and during my 2nd diagnosis of cancer. For me I avoided it because I wanted to focus all my energy on my health and delving too much into this part of my life brings with it negative energy, anger and upset about all that I have been through and what could have happened if I hadn’t trusted my gut.
It’s only now just over two years later I feel comfortable about sharing these thoughts, the events, the subtle signs in the hope that if someone is reading this, they might find similarities within themselves or a friend/family member that could possibly lead to an early diagnosis (not that I wish for anyone to go through some of the things I have experienced). It’s sort of facing my demons too. Even typing this a wave of emotions are coming over me which is probably a good sign to let it out. Either that or it’s that special time and Ste will be in for a treat of mood swings, suggestions of divorce, death threats and crying. But that’s atotally different blog maybe (perrimenopausalandme!).
A gut feeling
After the holiday I started back at work again (working from home) and the first sign to all this (in my opinion to the appearance of the brain tumours) was that I couldn’t remember my log in details to my works computer. Now if you’re like me any more than 1 weeks break for work and you struggle to remember what you actually do for a living never mind your password. Now I had tried to be compliant for once and changed my password on the recommendation of IS security training. Problem was I couldn’t remember the new one! Ultimately having several attempts and locking myself out.
I managed to phone the IT department at work who unfortunately couldn’t unlock it remotely which meant I had to get the train to Manchester to get it reset. Whilst in the office thankfully I decided to tidy my locker as I had hardly step foot in there since COVID and it was my birthday the day prior to the offices being shut so I had some presents and food which no doubt the resident mice would have loved if I hadn’t removed them.
It was so strange walking along the office floor where once so many people had worked together. I remember thinking I miss that (I still do). Despite the long commute and opportunity for work/life balance I have to say there is a lot to be said for PROPER human connection and talking to people face to face to resolve things. Plus, you can waste at least a good half hour in the kitchen talking about random stuff to the poor bloke that wanted to grab a quick coffee, which I was very good at.
Anyway, I went back downstairs and was chatting to someone in IT while they sorted out my laptop and this time, I changed it to something I could remember…. (PASSWORD!).
This was the same day I was expecting a phone call from Professor Board about my latest CT scan. Typically, I got the phone call whilst on a packed train so couldn’t really hear properly and didn’t really want to start asking random things. She said the CT scan results were great asked if I was feeling ok, I just said I was tired and she said she would make another appointment for 6 months’ time. Little did I know that approximately one-week later things would dramatically change for the worse.
The subtle signs
I was very busy at work and if totally honest had too much on. I was definitely spread too thinly over too many different things multitasking from one thing to the next which didn’t help. It was month end reporting which is always a busy time especially when everyone is on annual leave. I remember messaging a colleague saying I had really bad headaches and I was struggling she suggested it might be the menopause. I couldn’t concentrate at all I had brain fog. I remember I had to put a certain meditation music on just to write my reports. On one particular occasion I was on a team call with a couple of senior members and when asked a simple question I just got really upset because I couldn’t recall simple events just a couple of weeks ago. I later wrote an email to apologise and explain as it was out if character.
I wasn’t sleeping at all. I would be up at 2/3am in the morning tired but not being able to sleep. I was starting to struggle with my movement and it was like I had lost my spatial awareness in that I was bumping into things at home that had been there for ages i.e., kitchen units, worktops, doors. I remember one night falling out of bed because I couldn’t work out where I was. Ste as empathetic as ever woke up and said what the f*ck are you doing as my head was on the floor and legs akimbo next to the bed. I think he thought I was just messing about.
As days passed my speech then started to get worse it was like I wasn’t in control anymore. So, I phoned the doctors and had a telephone conversation, told him my symptoms and he agreed to a face-to-face appointment with me a couple of days later.
On the face-to-face appointment Ste came with me initially but it went on for that long that my mum ended up having to take over sitting with me as Ste had to go back to work and I was unable to drive. A few days prior I had nearly crashed my car into the kebab shop as my foot just wouldn’t move off the accelerator when my brain told it to. This really scared and upset me as I knew I wasn’t in control. Thankfully I had the sense (for once in my life) to tell Ste and didn’t drive the car after that. In fact, I haven’t drove a car for two years now which I really miss. I lost some independence, but one day hopefully I can drive again but small steps (literally).
At the appointment the doctor got me to do a simple memory test and to be honest I got them all right. It wasn’t short term memory, I was struggling with it was stuff that happened a few weeks ago. I was also tested for walking in a straight line, blood tests were taken which only showed elevated B12 levels. B12 is what usually vegans lack due to lack of meat however mine were showing really high which was ironic as I was vegan at this time. A number of other checks were carried out in my ear and an abdominal examination were all done. An ECG was also requested which came back fine.
Ste managed to come back and my mum went home. The doctor came to the conclusion that I was depressed. Offered me talking therapy for which there was a wait he said. At this point I declined. Deep down in my gut I knew this wasn’t depression. This is not in any way undermining any symptoms or diagnosis of depression. I know that this can be such a terrible illness but I felt my symptoms weren’t that of someone depressed. So, I went away awaiting a further abdominal scan and collected my sleeping tablets that had been prescribed feeling as though my issues weren’t fully addressed. As the days passed my symptoms got worse and worse. I lost full mobility in my right arm. Both me and Ste thought I maybe I had a stroke.
Thankfully Ste works for a private medical company and as a family member could arrange an online consultation with a GP for me. When I told the Dr my symptoms and previous diagnosis of Melanoma, she immediately said I should arrange for an urgent MRI and to see a Neurologist. She said she would request one via the private medical company however would write a note for me to send to my existing oncologist team to see if they could arrange an MRI sooner. We did and thanks to the my oncologists/skin care team a few days later I had my MRI.
The results weren’t good nor was the location I received them in. I was in B&Q with my mum for a change of scenery looking for tiles for the BBQ area I wanted to finish (when things like this happen it’s I have a desire to complete all the unfinished jobs around the house similarly as to when I waspregnant, it’s a bit like nesting). My mum had gone looking at plants which she often does and can disappear for hours if you let her. I was mid conversation with the Neurologist whom was telling me the results of the scan and that I had three brain tumours. I saw my mum looking for me and didn’t want her to hear the conversation so kept walking down various aisles to get away from her. In my own way I just wanted to deal with it myself and protect her. I finished the call. When she asked I just made something up and said it was a follow up about an appointment.
A few days later we had a another telephone appointment with a different Neurologist. This time Ste was present, the news wasn’t good he basically said that they might not be able to do anything at all for me. I was heartbroken so was Ste I remember we both laid on the bed crying. Ste was going to cancel football training (he was helping coaching). But I said not too as it was only him doing it that night so we both went. I took the dog for a little stroll whilst he coached. I remember watching Archie trying to savour every bit of him in thinking surely this can’t be it for me. I have so much to live for and besides I haven’t even finished tiling the BBQ area we made.
Lessons Learned
Trust your instincts. If others don’t be persistent.
Look for the warning signs, in my case these were;
Headaches
Loss of movement
Memory loss/Brain fog
Changes in speech
Mobility issues – (one of my tumours was left hand side so I lost mobility in my right hand side)
Lack of sleep
If you’re taking on too much, stop. Prioritise what is important and what is achievable, somethings will have to suffer as result otherwise issues never get resolved you become the one letting people down.
Don’t abuse the NHS it is amazing and I we are so lucky to have it. The treatments I have received have been life saving. However, don’t be afraid of seeking alternative opinions if your gut tells you too.
Don’t dwell on negative energy. Writing this has brought some negative emotions to the forefront but hopefully for some benefit of the greater good. It might take me a couple of weeks to get back into my Happy Space after this but hopefully I can let a few more things go and put them behind me.
For more advice on symptoms for Brain Tumours please see the following links:
So, here’s another tale of the Three Amigo’s for those whom are reading this for the first time their names are Brain, Body and Bottom. These three friends where always somehow connected to each other by this little human Miss Determination.
It was the teenage years and the three amigos were in high school. Body was in several sports teams and really enjoyed her time in school. She seemed to have made lots of friends from this and was invited to lots of social gatherings. Bottom didn’t really enjoy learning and was always in trouble for being the class clown. But then really loved being able to express herself in music, arts, crafts and design. She was especially proud that she could play Concerto in E-Flat Major all by her own wind, much to other student’s disgust. Brain was the quieter one often found in the school library reading a book. She often stayed in there at lunch times and every break she could. She didn’t have many friends but the ones she did have made her feel warm and fuzzy.
The three amigos were coming into their final year in school. It was a time when they had to pass some exams called SPAMS which stood for Sometimes People Actually Measure Students or at least that’s what Bottom thought they stood for.
‘There’s so much pressure’ said Brain who was anxiously sat at the desk at home reading yet another book on how to be a doctor.
‘In what way’ said Body who was bouncing a ball against a wall thinking about her next football game.
‘Well, we have these SPAMS and were supposed to do really well but if we don’t it means we can’t do the things we want to do later on in life,’ said Brain
‘What do you want to do when you’re older Brain’ asked Body
‘I want to be a brain surgeon obviously,’ said Brain
‘Don’t you know what you want to do when you’re older Body?’ asked Brain quite condescendingly.
‘I’m not totally sure’ said Body ‘But I know I want to do something with sport. When I play any sport, I forget about everything and I just feel free that’s what I enjoy’.
Bottom whom had just finished making a portrait of herself with her, well bottom. She had aptly named this latest master piece ‘A cheeky selfie’
‘But what if you couldn’t do that what if your body got injured’ said Brain who was always glass half empty.
Body thought a bit then worryingly said ‘I suppose there isn’t much I could do then is there I mean that’s all I know and all I’m good at’. She worryingly went over to Brains library of books in a panic ‘I best start looking at other things I can do’
‘What do you want to do when your older Bottom?’ asked Brain ‘Aren’t you worried about your SPAMS?’
‘No’ said Bottom ‘I’m not, I just want to help people and make them happy so anything that involves that, then that’s a bonus’.
‘As long as I try my best and I know I have put everything I have into it then I’ll be happy.’ Bottom then carried onto her next project which was something special or so she thought.
Several days before SPAMS
It was a couple of days before the three amigos were due to sit their SPAMS. Bottom said they thought they all deserved a break from the studying and Body certainly agreed. She suggested they go outside and play rugby. She was practicing this set play for her final assessment piece. Reluctantly Brain prized herself away from her books. She had, very little sleep over the past few weeks worrying about her SPAMS and how if she failed, she wouldn’t be able to do her dream job of being a doctor and helping people. She had remembered all the various bones in the body and what function they had, she even remembered their peculiar names and could spell them perfectly.
They began to play and passed around the rugby ball. Body, whom had been thinking about her set play suddenly grabbed the ball from Bottom whom was so unawares fell on her arse. Body continued to hurtle down the garden then ploughed into Brain whom at that point was stood waiting thinking about the various bones in the body so did not see when Body was hurtling towards her at speed. There was an almighty collision as Body hit Brain full on. Bottom got up to see Body rolling round in agony holding her arm and Brain lying on the floor not making a move. For the first time ever bottom literally shat herself in sheer panic.
The aftermath
It was the day after the incident. Brain was suffering from concussion and mild brain trauma but was told she was very lucky not to have any lasting damage to her brain. Body on the other hand had broken her hand and wrist when Brain fell on it during the tackle. Both were really lucky. Bottom did her best to cheer them up by telling them silly butt jokes and doing her party piece which I’m sure you can all imagine involved some rude noises and well some funky smells.
SPAMS
It was the day before the SPAMS exams. Bottom was pretty confident she had done all she could so was going to watch her favourite film and have a good night’s sleep. Body and Brain on the other had were in a complete state. Brain couldn’t remember all the body parts or their names since her accident. She couldn’t remember all the hours of revision she had done of the past few weeks. While Body was panicking that she couldn’t write as her wrist was so painful nor could she show off her winning set piece in rugby since she wasn’t allowed to play.
Bottom thought for a moment. She then brought out several objects which Body and Brain were intrigued by. She first looked at Body and asked her to put her wrist on the table to which she did but felt the pain quite badly. Bottom pulled out what looked like some sort of rubber mixture. She took out a big chunk and moulded into a big shape, she then asked Body to put her wrist on it and the mixture moulded round her wrist.
‘Now’ said Bottom ‘hopefully this will help you with the pain when doing your written exam.’ ‘Thanks,’ said Body ‘that feels so much more comfortable.’
‘That’s not all’ said Bottom as she pulled out a rather bright looking piece of fabric. ‘Elevate your sore arm across your body’ said Bottom. She then wrapped the fabric around Body’s arm which was the most beautiful sling you had ever seen. It wasn’t exactly Body’s taste in colours and she was worried that all her team mates would make fun of her but she put it on and instantly her arm felt lighter and less painful.
‘Now go and write out your set play and rest your arm in the sling afterwards’ said Bottom ‘you’re going to need that play to show your team mates for your exam.’ ‘Thank you’ said Body rather humbled by her friend’s kindness and thoughtfulness.
‘Now for you’ said Bottom to Brain as she pulled out some rather funny looking clay models and flash cards. Each flash card associated with a different clay model. Bottom had manipulated each model into the different bones as well as the movements. As she went through the flash cards with Brain suddenly all the pictures made sense and the words appeared in Brains head. She was so happy she gave Bottom the biggest squeeze ever.
That night the three amigos where all led in bed. Brain asked Bottom how she came up with the most fantastic and helpful ideas. Bottom said ‘I applied the F.A.R.Tmethod’ to which Body and Brain laughed. ‘Don’t you mean the S.M.A.R.T method (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Timed)’ said Brain.
‘No’ said Bottom – ‘(F.A.R.T) Fun Artistic Realistic Thoughtful’.
Both Brain and Body looked at each other and smiled, in tandem they said ‘You’re one of a kind Bottom’
Butt that’s not the end of the story
No this isn’t the end of the story as we all hopefully know exams are not the be all and end all of people’s life journeys. So, what happened to three amigos in their exams you may well be thinking?
Brain did do well in her exams and passed what she needed to become a doctor. But she thought about becoming a different kind of doctor possibly a Prosthetist or a Brain surgeon to help people with injuries all thanks to Bottom. And Body, thought about coaching sport and possibly people with disabilities thanks to Bottom.
Bottom on the other hand didn’t do so well in her exams being she had given her friends her submission pieces to help them in theirs. One teacher did spot this however and thought her talents deserved to be rewarded so she nominated her for a design and technology award. From this she was then offered an apprenticeship from a big company so didn’t do too badly after all.
The morale of the story
I hope you enjoyed this tale of the three amigos. It was my intention to help those that might be doing exams right now that maybe feel that their whole life depends on these results. It doesn’t! I’m not saying don’t try your hardest. Get to a point where when you sleep at night it’s hopefully in confidence that you have done your very best and that’s all that can be asked of you.
I thought I had a path, a career, a job I loved and a purpose. When my cancer returned suddenly that path has drastically changed for reasons out of control. My brain no longer works the way it used to. Suddenly I am not working for the first time since the age of 15, left wondering what my purpose is. At the age of 43 I honestly don’t know what I want to do (or can do). But what I do know is that I want to get better and hopefully help others along the way. I did have a great send off from friends and colleagues and the one thing that stuck in my mind was that although I had worked so hard and helped deliver some fantastic projects. My highest accolade was in the things colleagues said about me when I did go. Not ‘good riddance to her’ I hear you ask?! But they said I was a person who looked out for others and showed kindness. That achievement is probably better than any degree or qualifications I have achieved and that’s the truth.
So what are the lessons I’ve learned from this;
We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.
Not everyone fits into the same box some have talents that can’t be measured in exams or tests.
No one’s path is smooth but when things go wrong there are always other options
Some of the most successful people have failed many times over
‘By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life’ – Unknown
‘Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in day out’ – Robert Collier
Green Tea and Tonic
It’s that time of year again where for some unbeknown reason people feel guilty and beat themselves up about the copious amounts of food and/or alcohol they have consumed over the festive period. Then we all look at our slightly expanded waistlines and fuller cheeks and feel an element of disappointment that we have let ourselves get in this slob of a state over the past two weeks (or two months as the Christmas period also seems to be expanding much to my disgust but that’s another rant for another time).
If you have abstained yourself from indulgence over the festive period then you are probably one of very few people and more likely than not have a greater will power than the rest of us. And to the rest of us don’t worry, don’t beat yourself up if you have indulged over the festive period. If you enjoyed yourself and spent time with your family and friends, does it really matter that you may have had chocolate for breakfast on more than one occasion or too many snowballs and baileys while singing Auld Lang Syne, or just had days where you ate nothing but fridge tapas which contains a random selection of cheese, dips, pate and other items which ordinarily would never appear in your shopping bag let alone fridge. If you enjoyed it then why feel the guilt. It’s only when the things which we know aren’t good for us that become something we depend on a daily basis that we should worry and possibly rethink what are we actually getting from these. Is this really the thing that is the key to our happiness or is this a disguise for masking our unhappiness.
Lifestyle Choices
I often get asked about my lifestyle choices. Whilst writing this I currently don’t drink alcohol (put it this way my speech, balance and memory can be dodgy at the best of times without it). Also, I think my brain could do with all the cells it needs so best to keep away from the giggle juice at the moment. I have drunk before many times (especially during my teens). In fact and have some pretty funny stories which I’m sure wouldn’t have happened if I had been stone cold sober but I have remained pretty much alcohol free since my original diagnosis in 2017. I did however fall off the t-total wagon for a while during COVID and lockdown. My pretty feeble excuse is both of us were working full time sometimes 10-12 hours a day whilst trying to home school two children (very badly). Not agreeing on approach to this I have to admit it just all got a bit too much. I was not one of these perfect mums that had a strict itinerary to which their children stuck to, had snacks for the day all set out and ready or go on nature walks with them. I was a far cry from this.
During this time, I did also develop what I’d call furlough envy where I would feel some unjust about people/friends who were off work doing absolutely nothing all day except sitting in their gardens, going for sneaky walks and generally drinking all day and sometimes getting paid for the privilege. I know this is totally wrong/shameful to have felt like that whilst on the flip side there were people who had a horrific times during COVID and are probably still dealing with the after effects of that period. The people who lost their jobs, people were working ridiculous hours to save lives and care for the sick, people who had lost families, people who were volunteering their time whilst being off to help others and people who couldn’t see their own families whilst they were sadly taking their last breath. And here I was moaning and feeling some unjust about what people had been given (by the government) and all I had to do was stay at home, work a job that I had chosen (not anyone else) and look after my own children (well sort of).
Find the good in everything
One of my highest achievements in lock down I learnt to fold shopping bags into triangles – who would have thought
Some good did come out of lock down though. I learnt to fold shopping bags into triangles to save space and look pretty, my kids did a Joe Wicks workout (albeit once then refused to do another because they didn’t like his voice) and we built a log cabin all by ourselves (well it was in kit form but not a bad achievement). It was my 40th birthday present and something we had wanted for a while and had been saving for. It was rather timely delivered literally the week before lockdown happened. As a result we couldn’t get anyone to assist us to build because of COVID. It was either save the rather expensive huge pile of wood on display out the front for bonfire night (the company refused to deliver it all to the back of the garden which probably would have saved my shoulders and about three days of handballing pieces of wood taller than me to the top of the garden). So, we thought we better crack on. Three pretty amazing achievements have happened through this time;
1. It’s still standing now despite a number of Gail force winds ( and despite those odd spare bits you get with flat pack furniture or Lego which you just hide for fear of question and effort in undoing all what you have just built)
2. Neither one of us are buried under the patio as a result of the build.
3. We now have an additional office/living/sleepover space (which came particularly useful for avoiding each other for the rest of lock down).
Ste often worked until late at night hammering the roof and floor in (maybe out of desperation to build a retreat where he could escape from us all). Where I on the other hand once I had finished work checked the kids had actually logged on for the day and had actually got dressed, check they hadn’t eaten all the treats in the cupboard (often they had), made tea (not dinner) before going outside and banging on a pan at the front door then walking the dog (legally may I ad).
A combination of this stress, not working out or moving as much as I would have done, a few drinks to try and ‘destress’ led to me gaining a lot of weight and feeling rather unhappy with myself. I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to be, it wasn’t helping any aspects of my life so I got back running and working out more and hopped ‘back on’ the t total wagon. See it’s never to late to undo the bad habits you have created you just have to realise it takes time and effort from which can only come from you.
My tonic
It’s surprising how many places play music while you’re out and about shops, pubs, leisure centres, cafes. Something I never even noticed until it affected me. This can be enough to having to make a sharp exit from a restaurant before ordering leaving the waiters wondering was it something they said. The only way I can describe or assume it’s like someone putting you in a stress position and scraping their nails down a chalk board whilst someone else is asking you about how you’re getting on (trying to focus on two things at once it’s total sensory overload for me).
Despite not drinking and the noise sensitivity I do like going to the pub especially my local. However, this has sometimes been hit and miss but on my ‘good weeks’ we do try to go in on a quiet night just once a week to give us both a sense of getting out (not out out). I am what I’d like to think quite a social person. I generally just like being round people and chatting. This past year had been one of the most challenging times for me in that most social situations I would struggle with. I also lost a lot of confidence when we did go out. If I had to speak or would be asked questions, I wasn’t sure if the words which were in my brain would come out the same way. There was also the fear of going out and putting on the ear defenders looking round to see if people were staring at you (thinking is he really that boring she’s had to put those on, and yes sometimes he can be!). To me going out for a change of scenery, getting away from the house (and the kids), seeing my friends even just for a short while is the gin to my tonic. I don’t need alcohol.
It’s having a chat and laugh that’s what I enjoy. I could drink if I wanted to but that wouldn’t help my situation or achieve my goal. Despite help from others when things do go wrong it’s only me that’s ultimately accountable (with the help from the doctors and nurses of course) to get better. In these situations, it’s the same will power that’s in my decisions to avoid certain foods, not drink, try to exercise as often as I can and feel comfortable in saying ‘no’ to the good stuff. I swear I have felt this deep down in my stomach during the really tough times this energy to push on through like my will power and determination are pulled together. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a saint by any means I do occasionally go off course but I know the goal I want to achieve and I have that in mind then I’m back to it and I’m comfortable with that approach.
Food Choices
People also ask about my diet. I am what I’d call an unethical vegan (not sure if that’s actually a term but we’ll go with it). In that I am predominately plant based and vegan but haven’t chosen this lifestyle because I disagree with cruelty to animals (not that I condone that either, maybe with the exception to the neighbour’s cat that keeps sh1tting on my front garden) but you get what I mean. However, if I’m totally honest with you I did let a few celebrations pass my lips and try a bit of Christmas pudding with custard over the Christmas period but that’s ok I enjoyed them.
My food choices as with everything else (green tea, tumeric, Vitamin D, berries) are because I believe that wholefoods and not processed diets are the key to beating my cancer. For myself I use this approach and whatever advice and treatment I am lucky to receive from the NHS.
Your Goals
Some people often say when I tell them my lifestyle choices ‘oh you’re so good I couldn’t do that’ but I bet you could and would if you were in my position. For me I feel like if it’s one step closer to getting ‘better ‘or staying alive then it’s an easier choice to make. I know that I have done all I can (well maybe 80% of the time) and I hope that my children, husband and family would be proud of me for making those choices. As part of this lifestyle, I also try to journal and meditate daily. I have for several months been listening to a meditation that helps repair neurological pathways to the brain and improves memory. I believe its working things seem to be improving along with my speech and noise sensitivity so I shall keep doing it. For me these small daily efforts will hopefully lead to my success of the tumours disappearing and being cancer free. And also trying to enjoy myself as much as possible within the limits of my current capabilities.
Green Eyed Monster
Sometimes it can be hard when your friends and family are doing things that you would love to be able to do like go to concerts or go to a pub/nightclub and dance all night, going abroad or getting absolutely steaming drunk. Also on the flip side I have sometimes found it frustrating when people don’t do the things that they are more than capable of doing but choose not to i.e., exercise. In all honesty I have definitely lost touch with some friends because of the situation I am in. You slowly get left out of things because they think you’re not up to it. It can be really hard not to be jealous and upset about all of this and something I am working on. But if we all were jealous of other people’s face value ‘better off’ situations then the world would be a pretty negative place.
As I’ve said many times before we all have our own issues going on and if we threw our problems up in the air, you’d be pretty glad you caught your own. There is always someone worse off than us however crap our situation is. And those friends that have lost touch I can’t blame them they’re just going out enjoying living their lives which is totally what everyone should do. Life is far too short not to say yes to fun, to go to places we haven’t been or to challenge ourselves, to change and being the best version of ourselves we can.
I’m slowly learning to not let my misfortunes affect how I feel about others good fortunes even when it seems really good things always seem to happen to ‘wanky‘ people (sorry mum). I can’t let that affect me I just need to concentrate on the good things in my life and there are many.
Everything in Moderation
I’m a big fan of everything in moderation. Surely sitting in a pub having a drink with a friend or having a nice treat meal every now and then surely has to be better than starring at a screen for 12 hours a day with no interaction with friends or family. So take a break when you need it, make that phone call to a friend you’ve been thinking about for weeks. Go get some fresh air. Don’t beat yourself up if you skipped a leg day just as long as you don’t make skipping days and indulging days into every day. That way when you do indulge surely you will appreciate it more. That’s the feeling I want to have to be able to go out and not worry about noise or music, to hopefully go to see my favourite bands, to go to a night club and dance (well maybe side step). To go on a plane, to be able to drive. To one day be told I am cancer free. I want that more than the need for alcohol or fried food. And after all green tea doesn’t taste that bad, I just drink mine with a bit of mint it’s no worse than a really bad mojito I promise.
Whatever you do it’s your choice and likewise you can’t make other people choose your ideal lifestyle however upsetting and harmful it sometimes it can be (in cases of addiction). It has to come from within, yes you can be there for them and encourage them when they are ready to be encouraged but you can’t force something on someone else. Just concentrate on yourself, how you want to feel and your ultimate goals and don’t be so hard on yourself enjoy the ride, however bumpy it may be.
Our log cabin – still standing just!! (those that know me will know this actually isn’t it. It’s a tree house my dad made for the kids)
Lessons Learned
To be successful in anything you have to be consistent in your daily choices however small they seem at the time.
Don’t beat yourself up if you go off track every now and then you’re in this for the long haul.
Enjoy yourself, have fun but also enjoy the fact other people are having fun enjoying their lives without you.
Don’t buy a log cabin just before a pandemic.
Don’t blame others for your misfortunes however unjust it can sometimes seem.
Don’t worry this is last years Christmas tree…. I’m not that organised!
Now if you have read our previous tale of the ‘Three Amigos’ then you will know the story of how Brain, Body and Bottom have the most remarkable friendship. And that they were always connected to each other since as long as any of them can remember and also to this (now not so young) human Miss Determination (or Mrs as she had now finally put a ring on it). They had all been on such a journey with each other which had lots of ups and downs and some quite big bumps in the road but made this their bond all the more special.
However, this tale isn’t about their journey it’s one about Christmas which I hope you’ll enjoy all the same.
A Christmas Tale of the Three Amigos
It was early December and Christmas was fast approaching for the Three Amigo’s Brain, Body and Bottom. It was strange how this always seemed to surprise them as Christmas as far as they knew was always on the same day each year. The shops and stores, much to Bottoms bewilderment had been putting out items since as early as October. It seemed that Christmas was starting earlier and earlier each year which Bottom thought was a shame. She particularly liked the Autumn months and didn’t want to miss out on these. In particular she liked the smells and sound of the crisp leaves on the ground as trees shed their leaves ready for the winter and the firework displays lighting up the skies on bonfire night. Selfish or not she didn’t want to miss out on the magic of these months too as these deserved just as much attention she thought.
Either way it was soon to be Christmas and Brain was already feeling the stress of it all. Her mind was in a tizz. There were so many things to do, decorate the house, write all the Christmas cards, buy all the presents, sort out Secret Santa and buy enough food for Christmas dinner all whilst still trying to do what Brain already did.
Body like most previous years was desperately trying every last-ditch attempt to get in shape so she could fit into the sparkly cocktail dress she had hung up now for a good few years. As she sat on the couch wrapped tightly in cling film ‘This year’ she told the others. ‘This will be the year I get into my sparkly cocktail dress’. When Brain chirped up ‘You’ve no chance you’d be better selling it on G-bay or Dinted and get something that fits you….like an Ooodie maybe?’ Bottom whom thought this comment wasn’t helpful at all to the situation said ‘Body why don’t you sell that dress and maybe get something you really want and besides, you look lovely in anything, you have such an amazing body that does so much for us all’
Body sat back and looked down on herself covered in cling film, she did think she looked kind of silly so slowly started to unravel herself then went to the kitchen and grabbed a mince pie that she had her eye on now for several days. Everything in moderation Brain had always told her so that’s what she would do.
Christmas Past
Now Christmas’ hadn’t always been a success in the Determination household. One year Body fell down a pair of ladders onto the banister on Christmas Eve whilst trying to get the tree down from the loft. This ended up with her spending Christmas day in A&E with broken ribs whilst Brain and Bottom sat in silence eating Christmas dinner wondering what to do. Another year Bottom drunk too much giggle juice early doors then went outside made Christmas Angels in the snow and ended up in bed for the rest of the night (all before the Queen’s speech). Then there was the year Brain had forgotten to put the oven on at 5am like she had planned in order to cook the turkey and all the trimmings. That year they ended up eating cheese and biscuits for Christmas dinner.
There were always the usual rows normally over silly things and family ‘friendly’ games. Pictionary and Trivial Pursuits always seemed to be a favourite. One year it was a misunderstanding over an advert and a bar of chocolate, next year it was a language barrier (or accent) between Brain and Body which led to a rather strange drawing of ‘draughts’ and a very good drawing of a giraffe.
The strange thing was they survived and it was one of those rare times they all got together, spent time away from social media and distractions and actually laughed and enjoyed each others company.
Christmas Present
Brain, Bottom and Body knew this Christmas would be slightly different to previous years because of all they were currently going through and they didn’t have much money. But each in their own way they were still very much looking forward to it. See Brain knew that going to listen to Christmas carols at the Cathedral which they always did on Christmas Eve would be difficult this year due to her noise and light sensitivity. As would going to crowded places, visiting Christmas markets, going to pantomimes, and seeing Christmas lights. She felt slightly upset with this not for herself but for the others they had been through enough and she didn’t want them to miss out on all the fun. But then Body said she would take her out on little walks and look at the decorations in the woods and if they were really lucky they might see a reindeer. Bottom also suggested they should have Christmas film nights dressed in pj’s with the fire on. She knew it wasn’t the same but appreciated the sentiment from her friends all the same.
Brain whom had been stressing about spending unnecessary money couldn’t understand why people bought Secret Santa gifts as if she wanted something then why didn’t she just go and get it. Previous years she had received some right ‘crap’ as Bottom would have put it. But then Bottom reminded her of how Body’s face lit up the year when she opened the ab belt secret Santa (Brain) had given her. Brain did like that part of Christmas seeing the faces on people she loved light up, smiling opening gifts she had secretly bought or even made for them. But she didn’t tell them it was from her. Knowing that she had done something nice was all that she needed she was quite happy knowing that they thought of her as Scrooge.
Body also like to give gifts to those less fortunate than them. She didn’t know why but it gave her a warm fuzzy feeling deep down in her belly. Bottom liked to spread Christmas cheer and would say hello to everyone she passed and talk well…. ‘crap’ to people in the street. She did this because she hoped that by doing so, she might just make someone feel a little less sad and lonely even if it was just for one day.
Christmas Future
The Three Amigos didn’t know really what the future held for them but what they did know is that the Jones’ on the street had their decorations up for weeks now so they best get cracking. Body climbed up into the loft with a big push from Bottom. She was careful not to fall down the ladders like previous years. She got down the Christmas tree and boxes of decorations and passed them to Brain. Together the three amigos brought them down stairs and started to put the tree together. They looked at the decorations which brought back so many happy memories of previous Christmas’ they had spent together. Bottom couldn’t understand why people would get new decorations year after year when the old dishevelled looking ones were the ones which gave so much joy not the new shiny ones. Especially the ones that reminded them of loved ones no longer here.
This year for once putting up the tree didn’t involve arguing like usual. Normally ending with Brain left in a room all by herself scratching her head trying to put the decorations on the tree as perfect as she could. This year the three worked together helping each other passing tinsel and putting on little baubles.
Brain whom was wrapped around a big string of lights even suggested putting on a bit of Mariah Carey as she really did like that song and knew the others would too. She thought she could cope with it for at least a couple of minutes even if she had to wear her ear defenders. Bottom whom was well into her third mulled giggle juice by now turned up the radio and smiled.
They stood together and looked at the tree proud of their efforts. It certainly wasn’t the biggest tree they had seen but it was indeed very special. Body looked at the two friends and said ‘Do you know what, I know things can be hard some days but were luckier than most.’
‘In what way?’ Bottom said.
Body said ‘Well we’ve got something most people don’t have’
‘What’s that?’ asked Brain.
‘Each other’ said Body.
They all looked at each other and smiled.
Then Brain stood back and looked a the tree. She paused for a moment then said ‘it’s not right it’s missing something’. Body and Bottom rolled their eyes.
Then she said ‘it’s missing this'(as she pulled out a shiny star from behind her back).
‘I know why don’t you get on my shoulders Bottom’ Body said. Bottom climbed on Body’s shoulders she got the star and said ‘After three I’m going to put the star on the tree and I think we should all make a wish’. She put the star on the tree and said ‘One, two, three’. The Three Amigos all closed their eyes and each made a wish. They didn’t tell each other what they had all wished for and hopefully it would come true.
Christmas Eve
It was Christmas Eve and the Three Amigos had just finished watching their favourite Christmas film. They wanted to get an early night so Brain suggested they all go to bed but then Body reminded her about leaving out the stockings for their surprise wishes in the morning. Brain thought this was a load of nonsense but then Bottom reminded her it was Christmas so not to spoil the magic.
They each put their stockings out on the fireplace hoping that in the morning there would be a nice surprise inside.
Christmas Day
It was Christmas day and the Three Amigos woke up extra early which was extremely rare especially for Bottom as she normally liked to lay in bed until at least dinner time. Body sprung out of bed and shook Brain with excitement whom was dizzy at this point. To both of their amazements Bottom was already at the end of the bed in her dressing gown waiting for them to get their arses out of bed.
They crept down stairs and could see the three stockings hung on the fireplace. It looked like something was weighing each of them down. Excitedly they each grabbed their own stocking. In it was a great big satsuma the juiciest one you could ever find and also some chocolate gold coins. The three couldn’t believe their luck. They must have been good this year.
Body looked inside the stocking there was another present wrapped inside. She slowly pulled it out and opened it with excitement. It was a smoothie maker. Excellent she thought as she had rather indulged over the Christmas period.
Brain looked inside her stocking there was also a present she opened it up and smiled. It was a black sparkly cocktail dress. She knew who it was from but didn’t say anything, the reaction from Body was enough.
The two friends turned to Bottom whom didn’t have anything in her sack. ‘Where’s your present Bottom?’ said Body ‘haven’t you got anything, didn’t your wish come true?’
‘Don’t worry’ said Brain ‘you can borrow my party dress if you want to?’
To which Body added ‘and I can make you a nice smoothie anytime you want’.
But bottom looked at the two friends and smiled and said ‘There isn’t anything in my socking because everything I wished for is here. I wished that Miss Determination wouldn’t give up hope and that we would all be here for many more Christmas’s to come. That’s all I ever want.‘
The three friends looked at each other and gave each other the biggest, tightest hug they could. Christmas really was magical but so was most days they were together.
To my wonderful family and friends sending you love and thanks for all your help and support. Here’s to many more Christmas’ together
