The Second Chance

Poem of the Day

See It Through – by Edgar A Guest 1917

When you’re up against a trouble,

Meet it squarely, face to face;

Lift your chin and set your shoulders,

Plant your feet and take a brace.

When it’s vain to try to dodge it,

Do the best that you can do;

You may fail but you may conquer,

See it through!

Black may be the clouds about you

And your future may seem grim

But don’t let your nerve desert you;

Keep yourself in fighting trim.

If the worst is bound to happen,

Spite of all that you can do,

Running from it will not save you,

See it through!

Even hope may seem but futile,

When with troubles you’re beset,

But remember you are facing

Just what other men have met.

You may fail, but fall still fighting;

Don’t give up, whatever you do;

Eyes front, head high to the finish.

See it through!

1 Year Ago

This last weekend marked my 1-year anniversary since I had my operation to remove the tumour in my brain. I didn’t even realise this until the weekend had passed because it was Archie’s birthday and we’ve all been pretty rough for one reason or another but less of the tales of woes more into the tale of, well woe!

In order to remove the tumour, I was to have a craniotomy which in a nut shell (ironic I used that term). This involves cutting your head open to carefully get the tumour out. I know I’ve just done a miscarriage of justice there as they don’t just let any random Joe loose with a scalpel (well at least I hope not). Leading up to the operation I had to isolate which to be honest felt pretty crap as it was Archie’s birthday (ironically these also happen each year along with anniversaries) and I couldn’t do anything with him to celebrate. But I’m sure he didn’t even notice when my dad and Ste took him to some Ninja place with a few friends.

I tried not to think too much about the operation, I didn’t even read the patient pre-op information I was given until the day before. For me wasting time worrying on something that is inevitable was wasted energy. I needed to just focus on being calm and prepared. I tried to find a quote that best described this feeling and came across this poem by Edgar A Guest written in 1917 which I think sums up how I thought of the operation (minus the ‘man’ reference). See although I knew this wasn’t going to be the most pleasant of experiences it was one, I had to endure in the hope of getting the bugger out and one more step in the direction of surviving this shitty disease once more. It was something I had to ‘See it Through’ for that higher purpose it was my second chance at life. To have not gone through with the operation well I’m not sure I would be here typing away.

I remember a couple of weeks prior to the operation the neuro surgeon (whom was absolutely fantastic) telling me what was going to happen and did I have any questions to which I think I replied ‘I just want it out’. What I was most impressed with is she actually talked to me, not Ste who was also in the room. She looked at me when she was telling me what would happen so I fully understood. Not all doctors and nurses do this especially when you have difficulty with speech. This gave me confidence especially when she said she would be doing the actual operation. All the consent forms where there ready for me sign as time was no doubt of the essence. I was literally booked in a couple of weeks later for the craniotomy.

Operation Day

The day of the operation Ste drove me to the hospital. I don’t remember feeling nervous but I remember wanting to say a proper goodbye to the kids that morning just in case (well I don’t think I need to say why). I remember also wanting to say a proper goodbye to Ste (whom can be very deadpan at times) and didn’t even give it a thought after carrying my bag was itching to go.  One of the nurses tried to carry the bag (to which I think they were probably thinking how much shit has she got in here). See what they didn’t know is I’d had done a spell in hospital that turned out a lot longer than planned so I put in all my worldly possessions in the bag plus a few big knickers just in case. However, my most valued ones were a letter and a poem from Ste, Daisy and Archie. A photo of Ste and the kids in a frame and some good luck charms (the rabbit’s foot I thought I best leave at home for fear of spreading myxomatosis!). The letter I got out a few times in hospital which I can say honestly spurred me on to keep going and I will treasure forever.

Ste wasn’t allowed any further due to COVID restrictions so I got a hug and said goodbye.  I was due to be first up which if you ever have an operation is great as it’s less time without food. I often wonder if it is best to be operated on Tuesday to Thursday as Monday they could be rough from the weekend and Friday, they could be itching to get home or have a pint in the local. I say this in jest as I’m pretty sure all surgeons are extremely professional and hardworking and unfortunately for them saving peoples lives comes with a price tag of responsibility and a sacrifice to the things, we take for granted. You can’t well just down tools (or scalpels) come 5 o’clock. I ended up being second on the list as some elderly lady went before me. I think she was quite nervous I tried to smile at her which probably in hindsight made her even more nervous of the crazy grinning lady, with wild hair sat across from her.

I don’t really remember much after that. All I know is I got wheeled down in the bed to the operating theatre. There was some issue trying to get a canular in my hand which ended up in multiple tries the next thing I knew I was in a recovery ward with a nurse and the Neuro surgeon asking if I was ok. I remember just feeling really cold and shivering. Apparently, I had demanded that she phoned Ste and let him know how the operation went to which amazingly she did. I honestly don’t remember saying this.

I was later wheeled to a ward in my bed which was to be my home for the next few days. I was first in the bay and the nurse asked where did I want to go. I definitely chose a window bay. Even if the view is pretty rubbish, it’s something to look at. I’m glad to say I still had the top of my head in tack and was not wearing a bobble hat! I think I must have drifted in and out of sleep I woke up having the weird sensation needed the toilet but then realised I had a catheter fitted which isn’t the most pleasant of feelings if you’ve ever had one. So as soon as the opportunity arose, I got this removed but this had the downside you had to take yourself to the toilet or pee in a paper cowboy hat which having brain surgery isn’t as easy as you might think.

Blue Stockings gang

Later on that day another lady arrived and was put across from me then two other ladies. Little did I know that these ladies would be there to support me as I was for them in the next following days. These ladies were part of our Blue Stocking gang. See I’m pretty sure it was our friend *Catherine whom came up with the name (being she was the more intellectual and worldly of us all). See Blue Stockings was a term used for literary intellectual women in the 18^th century whom held ‘conversations’ with men of aristocracy with literately interests (yes, I have just ‘googled’ that). It also happens to be the colour of the ‘sexy’ stockings you are given in hospital to stop you getting deep vein thrombosis while led in bed. Either way I think it’s a pretty good name.

See at the time we were all in hospital COVID restrictions were in place so we weren’t allowed visitors at all. All of us had different ‘ailments’ should I say, it wasn’t a cancer ward. I had just had a brain tumour removed (which later was confirmed was Melanoma), one had fallen off a horse and damaged her shoulder quite badly, one had a slipped disc and the other had auto immune disorders. For a couple of days, I hardly knew what Tracey looked like as I couldn’t turn my head nor could she!!

I think because we didn’t have visitors was mainly why we bonded so much and these ladies did so much for me and I’m pleased to say we still remain friends and keep in contact regularly now. I remember on a couple of occasions Shantell helping me. One occasion I can remember her calling the nurses as my head was bleeding (I didn’t even realise to be honest) the other occasions unfortunately I had, had focal seizures so she ‘buzzed’ for a nurse to come and help to which I was extremely grateful as I had never had a seizure before. One time I had been trying to write in my journal so had a pen in my had then I think someone had mentioned about the blinds so I got up to attempt to sort them out and had a focal seizure whilst stood up, which as a result ending up me spinning round still holding the pen in my hand. I could only imagine it looked like a really shit game of Air Pictionary to Shantell who was led in the bed across.

We had some good conversations about our families and nearest and dearest and despite being in there together for such a short space of time I was sad to see them go. *Catherine went first and seemed happy to go as she was missing her daughter. Tracey was next so that left me and Shantell together. 

I had got upset as I was told I had to stay in due to the seizures. To be honest I had to admit that the seizures did make me feel quite vulnerable as it was something I had never experienced before and yet ‘another’ thing to add to the list. Shantell knew that I was upset and decided to cheer me up with a ‘girls’ film night. This basically meant her getting an I pad and sitting next to my bed whilst we both watched a film. I can’t even remember the film name I just remember thinking it was such a nice thing to do and definitely cheered me up.

Signs from above

Whilst in hospital my hair had was extremely knotted and matted due to the staples and the blood and I couldn’t have a shower to wash it so I messaged my friend Donna to see if she could give my dad some detangling spray to try and get the knots out. I also messaged my dad to bring in some supplies (not drugs I already had plenty of these) but Coke zero for Shantell, Nakd bars for me and the detangling spray. He wasn’t allowed to come in but when he dropped the supplies off I looked at the detangling bottle and this is what was on it. I asked my friend Donna if she had put it there and she knew nothing of it. All I can think is that maybe someone was watching over me after all.

                Lessons Learned

1. Sometimes friendships can be made in the strangest of places.
2. Always have faith that someone is watching over you even if they’re no longer here
3. Don’t play Air Pictonary if you’re prone to seizures just in case as no-one will be able to guess it
4. Some of the most invaluable things are the most valuable in certain situations
5. Don’t give up whatever you do see it through