Melanoma and Me
The fight of my life
The story so far

The Tale of the Three Amigos

A STORY OF A VERY LITTLE ‘DETERMIND’ GIRL

‘Though she be but little she is fierce’ William Shakespeare

One day many, many years (too many to mention in fact) like a million other children that day a tiny little baby was born 4 weeks early (first time for everything) weighing just 4lb 5oz. She had tiny little hands, a tiny little body and a little bottom as round as a peach and although we couldn’t tell from that moment, she had one of the most determined minds you will ever meet.

It was on that same very day that three other friends also found a themselves together a connection of three unlikely friends whom we’ll call the ‘Three Amigos’ their names were Brain, Body and Bottom. They don’t really know how they got together they just always knew they had been connected in some-way to this tiny little human.

As Brain, Bottom and Body grew they became the best of friends. They were inseparable, where one would go the other two would follow (usually Bottom being dragged along last). Brain was the serious one she often learnt things first while Body was the tough one and learnt things the hard way, often by trial and error. Bottom sometimes lacked a bit of motivation butt was always there when Brain and Body needed picking up. As they got older, they learnt so many different things about each other. Like how Brain could count to ten, and pat her head and rub her tummy at the same time (with a little bit of help the help from Body of course). Body liked most sports despite being vertically challenged. She had the ability to run and also swim lengths upon lengths as far as her little legs would take her. Bottom on the other hand well she could play an amazing tune on her bottom trumpet which made Body shake uncontrollably and Brain go slightly red with embarrassment. She also had this great ability to get rid of any poop weighing her down making them all slightly lighter and happier in the process.

The Wonder Years

As the three grew older they noticed bumps and lumps they hadn’t been aware of before. Body was more aware of this then any of the others and would often hide from embarrassment. She noticed she didn’t have long legs like the other bodies not to mention her wobbly bits and uncontrollable scraggy curly hair. She couldn’t help feel like she didn’t belong.

But then Brain pointed out her amazing strength she had despite being pretty small. She also reminded her of how she was good at most sports she turned her hand to. To which she replied but that’s because you’re always pushing me through and supporting me when I need it. Bottom also reminded her that there where lots of different bodies all different shapes and sizes. Some had bits missing or not working but found ways to work around this Bottom admired these other bodies the most. It just felt like that whatever the situation there was always rational behind it and the three friends would always be happy as long as they were together.

Then the teenager years hit them (and their parents) pretty hard. Suddenly the three who had always got along would often be found fighting. There was a lot of shouting, screaming and banging of doors during those years (it was something to do with hormones Brain said). Then they all discovered this thing the called giggle juice. This was a complete game changer Body would be often seen wandering quite unaware, banging into things. Bottom would be either on her arse on the dance floor or found either in the toilets not knowing what end the aftermath of this giggle juice would come out of. Brain however thought she knew best. Being head strong she would either be in the toilets arguing with herself in the mirror or doing things she would more than likely regret doing or saying in the day after.

The Serious Years

Then one day it was like a train had suddenly hit all three of them. There they were with these things they called jobs. Brain much to everyone’s amazement ended up buying a house all by her self she had knuckled down at school to study maybe with a few giggle induced nights and parties in between. She had met another body and was very happy together. They managed to have not 1 but 2 perfect children (this story is a story that’s for another time as it involves the birds and bees and maybe a stork). Brain knew that this in itself was a privilege but would be the most challenging and rewarding one of all time. They also knew they could ‘cope’ if they worked together.  Body just wasn’t looking forward to yet more changes and wobbly bits and Bottom just still couldn’t get over the fact that those two popped out of their other bottom!!

THE TWO MOST CHALLENGING BUT REWARDING GIFTS EVER

The Alien Invader

Life seemed pretty good despite the lack of sleep and having to do this thing they called a job in order to get things you want or need. This was much to Bottoms’ amazement as she couldn’t understand why people had to have the need for so much ‘stuff’ that when she thought really long and hard, they didn’t really need it as the best things in life were normally free.

By one chance encounter Body was having something checked out at the Doctors this was just a routine thing but then because something else was there she asked the Dr about that as well. To cut a long story short it turned out there was a lump in the neck that shouldn’t have been there and needed to be removed to find out more. Body was obviously worried and quite scared, Bottom just wanted to get the crappy thing out but Brain knew somehow that it would all be ok. This lump did turn out to be something it was cancer (skin cancer), (Stage 4 Metastatic Melanoma to be exact). All caused by too much exposure to sun of all things.

It wasn’t easy but the three amigos did what they do best, they stuck together. They came to realise that they all had a role to play if they were going to destroy this alien invader. It was the hardest thing they had ever done but the battle was won. It took some time but slowly Brain started to see the good things in the future and appreciate all that she had. Bottom had stopped lazing about and started to move again. Body started to love her body again although it wasn’t quite the same as before she appreciated all that it had done for her and how she had shown strength to repair. Bottom also reminded her of the inner beauty that shone through her. It felt like life was finally going to be ‘normal’ if there is ever such a thing as normal.

 The Alien Resurrection

Then one day not too long ago something inside didn’t quite feel right. Bottom had a bad feeling about this as it felt sort of familiar, Brain as always tried to rationalise the unknown. It turned out that the aliens had reappeared but this time it wasn’t in Body this time the aliens had appeared in Brain. This was a totally different ball game but there was a plan. They had to get the first big alien out first and then once Body had repaired, they then had to zap the other smaller aliens with a magic beam. It was a pretty tall task not just for the Brain, Body and Bottom but for the whole crew, it was all systems go. Body just wasn’t sure if she could go through it all again knowing how much it hurt the last time.

As they continued it started to affect the others but not in a way they had known before. Body started to become weaker and couldn’t walk very far. Brain couldn’t remember things and would sometimes struggle to talk or be able to listen and write. Bottom often panicked so much that she literally looked like she was going to explode. The battle had begun it was a tough one the crew did an amazing job of getting rid of the big alien and are still working tirelessly on the smaller ones.

Butt this isn’t the end

This isn’t how the story ends though. One day the three friends were sat together on the top of a hill looking out on the beautiful horizon. Brain whom had been struggling the most since this alien attack thought for a moment. She still knew somehow that everything would be ok as long as they were together and had determination, faith and hope. It was then that Bottom said one of the most profound things that had come out of her bottom in all the time they had been friends. It went something like this;

Bottom: ‘I think were quite lucky you know’

Body: ‘In what way do you mean?

Bottom: ‘Well when Brain had her operation who helped her heal her scar on her head?

Body: ‘Me I suppose in a way’

Bottom: ‘And when you couldn’t walk who helped teach you to put one foot in front of the other?

Body: ‘Brain’

Brain: ‘But we couldn’t have done that without you lifting us up Bottom’

Bottom: ‘That’s exactly right we all have a part to play to keep going and never give up. We’re lucky we have each other (she then turned and looked at the bag on Body’s back) Body what do you carry round in that bag of yours all day?

Body: ‘I don’t really know to be honest but it’s been weighing me down for some time now’

Bottom: ‘And Brain why do you have those chips on your shoulders?’

Brain: ‘I don’t know they’ve always been here I think sometimes I think it stops me from really listening and learning’

Bottom: ‘Right on the count of three I want you both to get rid of them’

Body and Brain released them both and watched as they rolled down the hill.

Brain: ‘Now how does that feel?’

Brain/Body: ‘Lighter’

Bottom: ‘Exactly! We don’t need to carry things around that weigh us down. Let’s not dwell on what has been or look too far ahead. Let’s just enjoy this moment. I know deep down as long as we’re together everything will be just fine I can just feel it. We can always get by with kindness, love and hope.

Brain: ‘Not forgetting our little friend who’s always been here.’

Body: ‘Ah yes Determination’

For Daisy and Archie whatever you do in your life do it with kindness, love, determination and hope.

All my love always Mum x x x

By Rachel Cummings 18th August 2022

The story so far

Destination Nowhere

The bit I wasn’t going to include

I wasn’t going to type this but then I realised that if I didn’t it wasn’t giving everyone the full picture and at the same time apologise for not typing sooner knowing that I don’t really need to apologise. It’s just that the brain is such a complex machine and sometimes it just needs a bit of a reboot (rest). Hopefully it will make sense later on in the blog but I had a bit of a seizure whilst away a few weeks ago. Since then, it seems to have set me back a bit in that I have struggled to be able to find the words and connect them to the keyboard which thankfully hasn’t been an issue previously. The best way I can try to explain is that it’s pretty much like I’ve blown a fuse somewhere and it’s just taking a bit longer that normal to replace with a new one. I have struggled with things like basic motor skills, handwriting and spelling although they slowly seem to be coming back. I will find myself not joining in with conversations as I can’t find the words that I want to say as quickly as I normally would do.

I started this particular blog before I went away in the hope that I would have a positive holiday story being the previous holiday had been a disaster, however that didn’t happen either. Although it’s taken me a lot of redrafts (I think this is about number 20),  at one point every time I tried to write it just didn’t make sense i.e. my brain, keyboard and thoughts just weren’t connecting like they normally do. I do hope this is just a temporary glitch, however if not please bear with me.

‘If mistakes weren’t meant to happen why was the delete button and back space invented on a keyboard, no one get’s things right first time’ – R Cummings

Love Rachel x

Quotations

‘A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it’ George Moore

‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present’ Buddha

Destination Nowhere

It’s the summer holidays and the time when people normally take a well-earned break from work in order to recharge their batteries. It seems everyone has such busy lifestyles that they seem to forget that they need to take breaks every now and then. I used to work with someone many years ago and he refused to take annual leave I think it gave him a purpose I couldn’t understand this. For me I used to cherish the time I got to spend with Ste and the kids or the odd days off from work maybe to catch up with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I would have to do the double amount of work to play catch up before and after which often did make me wonder why I bothered going away in the first place. But once that out of office was on it was like a whole weight was lifted and I could properly unwind.

This year I think more and more people are going away and taking the opportunity to travel abroad as for almost 2 years this was pretty much impossible for most people due to COVID. For me and my family. Unfortunately, a trip abroad at the moment is pretty much a pipeline dream however I’m not losing hope for the future as I do want to see more of the world even if it’s a small city breaks or maybe even places we haven’t explored in this country. We’re also lucky enough that my parents have a caravan in North Wales so we can always use that more or less whenever we want from March to October it’s just the logistics at the moment with Ste working and not having very many days leave and me being unable to drive and sometimes not being fit enough to go.

Bad Holiday Luck

It seems we haven’t always had the best of luck when it’s come down to holidays a couple of examples being;

  • The year we decided to go to our friend’s wedding in Lake Como the kids were really young and we left them at home (not on their own obviously). We hadn’t booked on with the original wedding party and got our own flights at the very last minute (this being the first of many mistakes that were to occur that weekend). It pretty much started going wrong before we took off with some engine failure at Manchester which meant we missed the connecting flights, finally getting on the last ferry to Lake Como only to get off a find there are two stops to Lake Como and this was not it. It was pretty humid that night and not many people about so we started to walk in the hope of flagging down a taxi. Two hours later, swollen fankles with the heat I didn’t dare ask the obvious question to Ste of do you actually know where you’re going? To make matters worse the wheel on our Samsonite suitcase literally burnt off as if in protest leaving Ste to carry it on two wheels. We finally found a sister hotel from a booking refence who finally got us to the hotel in a taxi albeit several hours later. It was that late at night we missed the nice child free evening meal and just settled for a bottle of white wine and bread rolls on offer. The fun didn’t stop there for this trip I was sick on the day of the wedding and if anyone knows Italian weddings, they like a course (6 I think it was in total), it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the meal it looked lovely. But it just kept on coming. I had to keep getting up to go to the toilet to be sick. Ironically, I’m pretty rubbish about being able to be sick. I’ll endure all the sweats and aches sometimes for hours but I’ll open my mouth and nothing will come out. I reckon it must be because we had it engrained in us as kids not to waste food!! Ste also managed on the same trip to lose his phone in the taxi on the way home to the airport. Luckily someone from the wedding party collected it at the hotel a couple of days later and brought it home. Having said all that we still had a great time with our friends it was a lovely wedding (what we go to see of it) and we did eventually get home.
  • The time we went to Devon with the kids. We had a great time up until the point when the car decided to pack in. We ended up spending a good few days trying to sort it out and taking it to a garage only to be told it couldn’t be fixed so had to find and pay for a recovery truck to drive it the whole 200+ miles back home. While we had to go home on the train.  Still having to pay to get the car sorted when we got home. I reckon a 5-star cruise to the Caribbean would have been cheaper for us than that holiday.
  • Another time on holiday one of the kids had an ‘accident’ at the side of the pool which left a bit of a mess to say the least and me having to warn people passing not to slip in it whilst trying to rush said child to the toilet to sort it out. Ironically later on that same day in the same pool some kid also decided to also have an ‘accident’ to which I found myself protesting a bit too much to the fact that it couldn’t be my child’s as it was certainly more solid and floaty as I pointed to it bobbing around the pool. We later found out that there was a case of food poising going round and Ste and our friend we had gone with ended up spending the last day of the holiday ill in bed.

There are plenty more stories like this which does make me wonder why don’t we just stay at home. We thought this year after a few disasters and COVID things we going to be different. Earlier on in the year we booked a couple of UK breaks away. Not too far just in case anything did happen in terms of seizures, appointments and scans. I’d like to say we really enjoyed them both but if I’m totally honest they ended up being a bit of how can I put this? A bit of a shit show.

Don’t Believe What you read in the papers!!

The first one was one of those holidays you collect coupons from the paper (we didn’t we just bought them from Ebay). It was pretty local and for some reason in my head I thought it was at another location we had been to before and enjoyed (I later realised this couldn’t have been further from the truth). After, booking we made the mistake of reading the reviews on trip advisor. It was only an hour away and it was only for the weekend so we decided to take the plunge and go after all how bad could it be? When we arrived at the gate the man stood there couldn’t have been more friendly. He told us to check in so we did and again to be honest all the staff were more than welcoming. He gave us our apartment number and we parked up. We were on the second floor of a square block of apartments. Someone had already hung their Man City flag on the apartment balcony across you know like they do when you’re abroad.

I tried to go with an open mind but the accommodation was pretty dyer to say the least. Ste took one look at me and knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying there. It’s not that I’m a snob or my house is that clean for that matter it’s just that I have certain ‘quirks’ which I think I’ve mentioned before. For example, I used to hate sharing drinks with anyone, would always put toilet paper around the seat when going public places or if we went away and the cutlery draw was dirty then I would have to clean it (in this case it was). I would have to ensure everything had been washed and surfaces wiped down beforehand. The apartment unfortunately just wasn’t clean from the kitchen, the sofa bed, the table, the bedrooms and the toilet. It had definitely been neglected on the cleaning front and over the years by the looks of it. It was that bad the kids had adopted the approach of it’s that dirty we’re not putting our bags on the floor. I decided to send them to the shop for cleaning stuff as they weren’t helping the whole situation while me and Ste tried to decide what to do.

We decided that we would stay for one night and use it as a base. The kids came back and I told them to eat their pot noodles (which they thought were a right treat) and sent them to the arcades whilst I wiped down the whole room including the front door and handle. When they did come back Archie was pretty happy being he had found the arcades and grabber machines. Daisy on the other hand decided she wasn’t going to stop in the room and asked if she could sleep in the car. At this point I thought who is this monster I have brought up then I realised maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. See like me she’s comfortable in her own surroundings (squaller) and it needs to feel homely. May I also add at this point if you have seen Daisy’s room you would most likely question her objection.

So, after a few tears mainly mine as yet again I’d made a bad decision, we decided we would drive back home. Driving out of the ‘complex’ it reminded of somewhere between an abandoned power plant and abandoned 80’s holiday camp. The security guard who had only greeted us about 1 hour earlier tried to convince us and the kids that we would miss out on all the fun. He may have been right as I do love a good game of bingo and cheesy evening entertainment but like with most things as a family if were not all fully on board then none of us are. We can’t force anyone to do what they don’ want. The security guard opened the gate at this point nearly having a hernia lifting it as it wasn’t one off these fancy electric barriers. We drove out and decided we would take a quick stroll along the beach before we drove home. It was at this point we walked over the hazy sand dunes (someone was smoking weed) to see a beach full of people parked up families, young people with disposable BBQ’s, playing foorball. They all had one thing in common they were laughing and having fun and at that point a waive of guilt came over me which I carried all the way home and the realisation that people don’t need fancy holidays to enjoy themselves they just need the simple things in life.

I was definitely pleased to see my own bed that night and it did turn out to be a nice weekend, we had a day out at Lytham and then went to a steam fayre and managed to meet up with some friends there. Ironically, I think looking online we saved all in all about £80 quid for booking it that way and that didn’t include cleaning products, buying the vouchers or pot noodles. Should you happen to book there make sure you ask for apartment 38 it should be spotless.

Carry On Camping

We had a week booked at Drayton Manor this was a rebook of a holiday that I had to cancel last September when I found the start of my brain tumour diagnosis. To be honest Ste and I were both really looking forward to it. He definitely needed a break as hadn’t had one and I was looking forward to seeing the kids enjoy themselves. We were in one of these ready camps but it was literally right next to the theme park so it was a great location. We hadn’t got their until later on the Monday so we decided to book the theme park the day after. I obviously couldn’t go on many rides (I however did manage the steeple chase where the average age is about 6 and the river rapids which is probably more therapeutic than anything). The kids however had a great time and enjoyed going on a few rides and I enjoyed being chief bag holder. We went back to the tent and I had a rest while the kids went back to the park the plan was for me and Ste to go to the zoo part later where it would be a lot quieter and just let the kids wander off on their own being they’re both old enough now. It was all going really well up until we got a phone call from Archie. He had gone on a ride with Daisy which resulted in him throwing up everywhere (he’s never been great with rides or sick for that matter). Daisy being the caring sibling walked off and left him on his own as she can’t deal with sick. Archie got the hump as he was obviously slightly embarrassed at this point and me and Ste then got the brunt of it.

Next day it was Daisy’s turn to be ‘difficult’ she decided to get the hump over some comment I made in jest. But then continued with this several hours afterwards not only ruining a nice day we had had but ruining a nice (expensive meal in the process). It was at this point I tried to cheer Ste up and we walked off on our own to the hotel grounds and Ste decided to get a drink (up until this point he hadn’t drunk) we played cards and remembered the good times before we had kids looking at other kids behaving themselves wondering where we had gone wrong. (I know you always do that when your kids are being arseholes, 5 minutes later we saw one being an arsehole and I felt relieved it wasn’t just mine). Later on Archie joined us, Daisy was still pretty much set in the mood for the rest of the evening. We played a couple of games of cards and it was nice but we headed back to the tent not to leave Daisy on her own for too long.

It was then I started to feel ‘not right’ luckily we had already been in bed reading as we decided we had had enough for one day. I woke Ste up who knew at this point knew I was having a seizure. I tried to speak and just garbage came out (maybe not for the only time I bet some of you are thinking). He pretty much knows what to do now he rammed an extra dose of Keppra down me and just waited. I started to come round I think it was the brew that helped (I do love a brew). Ste didn’t say but I knew he was googling the nearest A&E just in case. I had to be escorted to the toilet as its then I’m not always in control of my water works or the ability to ask to be taken to the toilet and camping isn’t exactly the easiest place to have a seizure. I couldn’t have picked a worse time or worse place to do it especially as he had a couple of drinks. I just think the stress of worrying over the kids (teenagers) had got too much for me along with a few pretty busy days of noise and walking. In the morning the plan was to take the kids back to the theme park for another day in the hope to revive the holiday but to be honest we just thought it was better to cut our losses and get home.

It’s been a couple of weeks or so since all this happened and were all pretty much friends now but I am glad to be back home. Unfortunately, I’ve not been fit for much since and Ste’s holiday was pretty rubbish which for that I do feel bad. We did at least enjoy the theme park (well almost). Seizures are sometimes a bit like teenagers and adults for that matter in that you can’t predict their behaviour. I could have lied and said we had a great time but unfortunately we didn’t. I won’t dwell on it though as were family and we stick together through the good times and the tough times and there are always more good times to come. There will be more holidays in the future hopefully and if not day trips or even stay cations.

Lessons Learned

  1. Don’t rely on siblings to look after each other if there’s sick involved.
  2. You don’t need fancy vacations and trips to enjoy yourself. Stay cations can be just as good probably a little easier, safer in our case and a lot less expensive.
  3. Don’t book a holiday with the Cummings family unless you accept full liability that you may need multiple modes of transport (trains, planes & automobiles) and possibly a trip to A&E.
  4. Kids and adults can be unpredictable at times. We can all have crap DAYS but that’s just what they are we can’t beat ourselves up or dwell on them for too long as the only people that suffer are ourselves.
The story so far

All good things come to an end

Quote of the day:

  • Memories are beautiful as well as painful
  • ‘Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them’ – Richard K Evans

All good things come to an end

This last week was a very testing week we sold my pride and joy campervan and I said my final fair wells to a dear friend Louise whom I’ve known for probably the best part of 20 years.

The campervan was collected early in the week and when the guy drove off. I have to admit that when I went inside the house, I did shed several tears. See I like to think that I’m not very materialistic, don’t get me wrong I’m certainly no monk but this van had been my pride and joy for over 3 years. I had invested a lot of time, effort, not to mention money into it. But for me the reason I was most upset was because we had bought this van when I had started to get ‘better’ on my 38th birthday as a treat for the immunotherapy working and my Melanoma disappearing. It was a symbol of succeeding and what great memories and trips as a family that were to come.

However, four years on and it was stuck on the drive like a battery hen with little movement, not living to it’s full potential as I had been unable to drive due to the brain tumours and seizures. So, we thought the kindest and wisest thing to do was to sell the van and let it be free (or free range) once more. The reason I was so upset was not because of the actual van because that’s just made of materials metal and wheels, but because of the memories we had made and could have made in the future. The places we could have visited.

Some of my best memories of our time with the van have been;

  1. When I went solo camping with Archie, I managed to put the side awning up all by myself (Archie will probably argue he ‘helped’ to do this) and at 5ft 1 this is no mean feat. On this same trip a bird happened to not only fly in the tent but actually shit all over the new inflatable chairs and tent carpet in the process. I’m not sure if it was an act of vengeance or panic but it was a mess to say the least.
  2.  When we first got the van and took a trip out, we stopped at the nearest services and got something to eat. I wanted to test out the swivel chair. It was pouring down with rain and Ste somehow managed to swivel the base the wrong way round and his feet were that wet it just made the whole situation worse. Now if anyone knows Ste, he is not what I’d call the most laid back of people and in this sort of situation you can’t offer tips of advice for fear of getting your head chewed off. I just sat in the back with the kids in complete silence wondering whether I should start my sandwich trying not to laugh. From the outside the van was certainly rocking but not in the way people may have thought.
  3. Me and Ste took a child free trip to the Lakes and went walking for miles. You know the one where you sort of remember why you actually liked each other before the kids came along and sucked all the fun and romance out of you both.

I am glad to say the van did go to a nice family with young children whom I hope will go on lots of adventures and make lots of memories on the way.

All bad things must come to an end

In life there will always be pain and suffering and this last week was certainly one of them. It’s often when I question religion and faith. All I know is 40 is far too young to die and to leave behind a fiancée and two beautiful children let alone a mum and dad, sister, friends and family. No-one should have to go through what she endured over the past 18 months, yet again to the shit that is cancer, this time it was another form (blood cancer https://www.dkms.org.uk/learn-more/blood-cancer/leukaemia).  How do you begin to justify that? Why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?

However, it’s the moments of happiness that does and will get us through. Just when you think you can’t endure anymore there are little snippets of happiness that makes us feel we can carry on. I can definitely say our girls group chats will never be the same again. There will always be that little gem missing. Things will hopefully get easier with time and we can look back and celebrate years of friendship the holidays, the drunken nights out, the meals and the concerts with smiles on our faces glad that we shared those memories together although they came to an end far sooner than anyone would have liked. And through those memories we and her family can make sure that her children never forget what a brave, fun and kind soul she was. I will save those memories to share for times when we do get together again and to celebrate birthdays or just to get together, just because.

Because in the end memories are worth far more than any van or house for that matter. We owe it to those who are no longer with us to live our lives and create as many memories as we can. Go to the places they enjoyed. See and experience the things that they wanted to do and never got the chance. In that way their lives will always have meaning and purpose.

If anyone reading this would like to donate in memory of my friend Louise, I know her family would really like donations to go to East Lancs Hospice who cared for her.

https://eastlancshospice.org.uk/donate

Lessons Learned

  1. Where the is happiness there will always be sadness but that is how we know there is love
  2. Regardless of religion and beliefs we can all strive to be better, kinder, happier people to have hope and to leave a legacy to those whom we love the most.
  3. Memories are the most vital commodity make sure they’re good ones.
The story so far

Trial and Error

Quote of the Day

‘I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work’ – Thomas Edison

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.’ – Bruce Lee

Content

Since Phase 2 of this journey began my life has been pretty much about trial and error with regards to most situations. Especially since my operation and the radiotherapy. It’s often been in peaks and troughs where one week I’ll think I’m doing really well and then next week it’s often like a little Gremlin has taken the rug from under my feet and said hang on a minute don’t be so cocky get back in bed and stay there. This leaving me pretty wiped out and sometimes extremely low.

For instance, just today I have spent the majority of my time in bed feeling really weak and achy. Hence why I have decided to write this blog in the hope to actually achieve something today. It’s the after effects of a week that’s had some highs and extremely lows.  From unfortunately losing one of my dearest and bravest friends, to celebrating Ste’s birthday with some friends and getting my tattoo finished (sorry mum and dad). It’s been an emotionally tiring week for me and that’s I think when I struggle the most. That and listening to too many drunk conversations pretending like I haven’t heard the story several times before.

Social Butterfly

I wouldn’t exactly call myself a social butterfly I’m certainly not inundated with invites come the weekend but I’ve always been pretty sociable. I will always talk to anyone and say hello and I can even enjoy myself without having a drink and have done for years on and off having cancer. Since the operation and the radiotherapy though this has certainly changed a bit. I rarely feel comfortable going out to places I don’t know or more to the point they don’t know me. I’m also reliant on other people not just in terms of cadging a lift but also to act as a bit of a buffer for me when my words get stuck. As soon as I feel conscious of myself in that I think people are wondering why I am wearing ear plugs and/or ear defenders that’s when there’s like a switch in my head and suddenly my words won’t come out. I can be having a fluent conversation one moment (if you could ever call my broad Darwen accent fluent) then then next I’m struggling to string a sentence together. It’s the same when I get asked questions.

It’s like when my kids are lying and trying to think of what to say that will get them out of trouble the only difference is I’m often not lying (or am I??). I can also struggle listening to someone for long periods of time. This lack of being able to communicate and listening is known as aphasia it can be caused by a stroke, severe head injury, brain tumours (in my cause), even early signs of dementia. It doesn’t however affect your intelligence so when people start talking to me slower because I’m struggling to get my words out, I do often think ‘NOB’. But it’s not their fault to be honest they’re trying to be kind and helpful it’s just a lack of understanding in the situation and a lack in me being able to communicate properly.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

One thing I’ve always enjoyed watching is comedy programmes. When I was younger, I used to do a few little impressions or ‘skits’ as my mum would call them. I think the main ones being Victoria Wood’s Kimberley, David Bellamy crawling from a rock, Kenny Everett’s ‘All in the possible taste’, Frank Spencer’s ‘Oooh Betty’ and my lovely Nan with her Zimmer frame. Like the material it was relatively small and selective i.e.  just my family that would get the pleasure of viewing (some may say enduring) these shows. I used to love making them laugh seeing the smiles on their faces. This is something that I still love doing now but more within my writing I like to think that if someone is reading something that I’ve wrote or an experience I’ve shared and it puts a smile on their face or makes them laugh then it’s worth making a bit of fool of myself in the process. I also used to love going to stand up comedy shows Micky Flanagan, Peter Kay, Sarah Millican and John Bishop being some of my favourite ones. So, I thought a good trial night out would be to my local library theatre. It’s small enough that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, the tickets were relatively cheap and if I didn’t feel well, I could quickly get home.

The show must go on

The week prior I had had a pretty bad seizure. In that I had loss the ability to communicate and tie my shoes (all my motor skills had gone). Ste ended up rally driving me to A&E where I spent several hours waiting in a corridor for an MRI head scan. Thankfully everything was fine and I was discharged that night. Ste said it was like I’d been on spice. I mean if it was no offence to anyone but I certainly did not feel any of the highs probably more of the come downs.

This is why I wanted to do something and just be stuck at home. I was feeling pretty good the week after (probably more due to the steroids come to think of it) and if I’ve learnt anything you can’t put your life on hold for what may or may not happen you just have to test the water to see what you can do but not get too annoyed if those plans get put on hold because you’re not up to it.

We booked the tickets and asked our next-door neighbours Paul and Daniela if they wanted to come. We got a taxi into town so they could all have a drink and went to a nice bar beforehand. This bar also just so happened to have dance music playing at which point Ste said he could see I was struggling and thought ‘I’m in for a good night here’!!!

We had one drink and headed to the library theatre. If anyone has been to Darwen Library theatre you will know it’s relatively small and in all honestly can be hit and miss with the comedy acts but that’s all part of the fun. The compare is normally pretty good and often has been Justin Moorhouse. Hats off to anyone that can get up on a stage in front of a room full of people and not only try to make them laugh but try to not to ruin their night in the process (it’s a pretty tough job).

We walked in and headed straight for the back with our drinks from the bar. (Tip never sit on the front row as it’s more than likely you’ll get picked on). Going to our seats Paul saw someone he knew from work and started to bore him with shop talk. I tried to rescue the poor guy but he seemed pretty content having his ear chewed off. Daniela and Ste started to drink their drinks pretty fast, they had gone for let’s get two as we might die of thirst if we don’t as it could be a whole 45 minutes before an interval….it was then I thought I’m in for a good night here!!!

The compare came on it wasn’t Justin Moorhouse this time it was some Scottish ginger guy (who was ok to be fair). It was then I noticed one of my old primary school teachers Mr Jennings sat in the row in front, but I wasn’t 100% certain at this point. Paul finally sat down and I asked him if he thought it was, being we had both gone to the same school. In fact, I remember my first day in reception sitting next to him. (It must have been fate that he was destined to be near me and bore me forever by the way if he’s reading this, he will know I am joking). At this point Paul was pretty hammered and wouldn’t ask the bloke sat in front. Ste who obviously must have got pretty fed up with our childish tilly tattle tapped Mrs Jennings on the shoulder and asked if he was in fact who we thought he was.

It was Mr Jennings who was out with his wife probably having a good night up until this point. He said he remembered us and for some strange reason I decided to tell him about the misjustice I had endured some 30 years ago where I had been wrongly accused (bollocked I think was actual word that came out of my mouth) for doing something I hadn’t actually done. I think on this occasion it was wetting toilet paper and throwing it up at the ceiling and on the walls. I told him he had gone red with rage which I’m sure he will agree he was well known for this trait but he pointed out that it may have been from the red wine the night before. Which now having two children of my own I can totally empathise with. It was then he and his wife asked how old both me and Paul were and how long ago it was since we left school. At which point I was unable to answer not because I didn’t know but for me at the moment to try and work out dates/years from and to it’s almost impossible. Paul was no better at responding either but that was more due to being under the influence of alcohol. It could have been at this point Mr Jennings may have totally questioned his choice of career and 40 years plus worth of teaching! It was also at this point Ste had to step in and explain to his wife that I wasn’t well.

Always know your nearest exits

The next act came on and to be honest they can’t have been that memorable as I can’t even remember who they were. I just remember I was slowly starting to struggle more and more to the point I had now put the ear defenders on. It was then the interval where everyone makes a bee line for the toilets. I was stood in the que for the ladies with Daniela in front. She had gone into the next cubicle while I was stood waiting in the corridor for the next person to come out. Ste walked past and asked if I wanted another drink I said yes and he said did Daniela want one. To this I replied ‘Does a bear shit in the woods’ only then to realise I may have said it slightly too loud due to the fact I had my ear defenders on and that the now pretty long que of women maybe from the ages of mid-forties upwards may have also just heard. I turned round to notice the women behind me smiling.

The interval was over and the compare came on to introduce the next act. At this point I was really struggling in that my vision had gone a bit blurry and I couldn’t understand the compare. Like you do on a plane I started to look for my nearest exits which obviously avoided being picked out by the compare or comedian. It was then the next act was introduced and he had a guitar in his hand. I thought sod this I need to make my escape Ste had seen this state of panic in my face so knew I needed to go luckily, we made our exit out the back and went to get a taxi home. When we did my head was still ringing so I just needed to sit in a quite room for a bit.

The day after was a bit of a write off in the sense that I was really tired but did I regret going out no not at all. To be honest I had a good night although it was cut short it just felt good to be doing something I enjoy even if not in full. I just need to accept I can’t do all of the same things my friends can do now. However, I can keep testing the water dipping my toe in every now and then and see if things are improving and hopefully enjoy more moments that I can share with you in the process.

Lessons Learnt

  1. Laughter is the best kind of medicine
  2. Teachers may not always remember your miscarriages of injustice 30 years later so get over them now
  3. Should you want to experience Colin McRae rally driving then Ste is available to hire (helmets are not included)
  4. Challenge yourself and dip your toe in the water maybe even an ankle every now and then
  5. Be aware of your surroundings when wearing ear defenders
The story so far

Dance to your own tune

Quote of the day:

  1. Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt; sing like no one is listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth
  2. Why fit in when you were born to stand out

The Hourglass

Since being diagnosed with cancer back in 2017 I’ve learned to appreciate each day more. Don’t get me wrong there are days maybe weeks where I can definitely say I haven’t made the most of my time or appreciated those around me. It’s safe to say if one of those days were to have been my last then looking back I’d be pretty gutted if that’s how I’d spent my last day on earth. Generally, on the whole though I think that I have an enhanced gratitude for the simple things in life for instance the birds singing in the morning, the sun rise, plants and trees, hearing my kids laugh (even when it’s at my expense).

Most of us have to work therefore making time to appreciate the simple things in life as well as be a good mum/dad, having a tidy house, being a good human being, walking the dog, staying healthy, exercising (the list goes on) seem like an impossible task. It’s a lot about trying to find a balance with earning enough money to live the life style we desire and having time to appreciate the simple things in life that money can’t buy. Now if someone has mastered this dark art then please can they let me know the secret as I’ve often made the wrong decisions. It’s only when someone tells you that sand timer is running out that you start to focus on what really matters to you. For me at this moment I’m concentrating on my health and getting better.

The point I’m trying to make is if you don’t want to do something then don’t do it (unless either of my kids and husband are reading this then you need to do whatever it is I am asking NOW). Don’t waste your time going to baby showers you don’t really want to be at (is that just me that really doesn’t get the idea of a baby shower sorry!), don’t sit through shows you’re not enjoying or go to some house party you don’t want to be at but your just there because you’re being ‘polite’. Learn to say ‘No’ to things (well not everything or you might end up pretty lonely, friendships are all about compromise). However, in the end it’s your time and you need to spend it wisely, don’t worry about upsetting people. Spend it on doing the things you love and make you happy, don’t worry about what people think it’s not their life to waste. If they don’t like it then unfortunately, they’re probably not your kind of people. The ones you love and make you happy are most likely the friends and family you want waste grains of sand on.

Dance Like No One is Watching

One of my close friends has MS (Multiple Scleroses) and only recently I discovered that some of the symptoms of MS can often be similar to those of someone who has a brain injury/brain tumour. Both illnesses mean you have very limited energy and once that energy has gone then unfortunately you’re not fit for much (this I have learned the hard way several times). My OT (Occupational Therapist) said it’s like you have 5 spoons of energy a day so you need to prioritise what you would like to spend those spoons of energy on. For example, if I was to have a friend over to visit I can manage about 1 hour before I’m really struggling talking or listening so that’s 1 maybe 2 spoons. Going for a short walk that’s another spoon and making lunch that’s another spoon. You can see how quickly your spoons get used up. That’s why I often have to go for a sleep or even to just lie down in silence as my brain needs a rest. It’s really hard to try only do a few things when I’ve always been a doer and find it really hard to just not do anything. This is when I take the opportunity to do my crafts or read and write.

My friend has been living with MS for a while now and I have to admire her zest for life. She doesn’t let it stop her at all. She will be the first and the last one on the dance floor enjoying herself and that’s just at kids’ parties. She doesn’t really care what other people think and I’m sure she uses her spoons more wisely than me.

Born Worrier

For me from a very young age I used to care what people think. I would never go and dance at parties or in holiday clubs (the only exception would be musical bumps and because there was generally a prize up for grabs and it just involved falling on your arse). Later on, I progressed to the classic side step and clap at school discos. After that in my late teens you would generally find me at the bar getting drunk with the lads (no wonder I often get called ‘mate’, I find it quite endearing though!). If there was ever a situation that involved dancing I would feel the knots in my stomach build up and panic would set it I would either; a) go to the toilet to waste some time b) go to the bar to get another drink.

On my wedding day the actual wedding dance I look back on and cringe it was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life and I will explain why;

  1. The DJ called us to the dance floor and announced to the guests that we were to take our first dance as man and wife. We had not discussed this with him and had I have known I would have definitely told him not to bother.
  2. There we were forced in the middle of the dance floor centre of attention (which for me is my worst nightmare). We had not rehearsed this at all like the videos you see of couples who have this fantastic first dance then all the ushers and bridesmaids join in, nor had we taken the opportunity to take up salsa dancing classes in preparation. For one my thighs should not be on display (although I am still partial to a pair of American tan tights!) and also Ste’s garish shirts and boot cut jeans days are thankfully behind him.
  3. The only slight preparation for the dance was that we said to the kids when the music comes on would they join us. Our thoughts behind this was that it would be cute for us to dance as a family and also they would act like a small human shield to hide the fact we are both rubbish dancers (Ste will argue this point but in my defence in the whole 17 years I have known him I have yet to see him dance – Ste I do not call the dropping arms and pointing to the floor a dance move). The kids agreed to this so we felt this box was ticked.
  4. For some reason we decided to choose Ed Sheeran’s ’Thinking Out Loud’ song as the first dance, not because we really liked the song but it was the only one that hadn’t been played at the ceremony that we still remotely liked and therefore thought well have that. Being there are quite a few gingers on both my mum and dad’s side this was also a great tribute to them. However, to this day neither of us associate this song with our wedding day. Should we have had the balls to not conform i.e.  have a song played twice at the wedding!! then we would have picked Christina Perri ‘A Thousand Years’. This is the one I walked down to the wooden gazebo with my dad (not aisle that’s certainly not me)
  5. Ste moved in circles and at the same time managed to stand on my dress. I was politely trying to tell him to ‘get off’ my dress and at the same time smile while there was 100 people stood by taking pictures. The exact moment I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.
  6. The kids refused point blank to come and join us on the dance floor they were far too busy getting high off all the E numbers from the sweet jars, Daisy had managed to rip her flower girls dress and Archie had took most of his cute little suit off and was wearing glow stick bunny ears whilst drawing on the HIRED giant Jenga pieces with black marker pens.

It’s fair to say I do not like being the centre of attention nor does Ste (I think). I tried to give eye contact to the DJ i.e. gave him the death stare a couple of times until he finally twigged and asked people to join us on the dance floor – (thank god for that). Straight away Ste went to the bar ‘to entertain’ and I think I might have stayed for one song (I have photographic evidence to prove this)

The truth is I totally wish I could be more like my friend and other people I know and dance like no-ones watching. When the kids were young, I used to make a big effort and get them to join in with things on holiday and parties even if it meant joining in much to my discomfort. See I don’t want them to grow up being ashamed to enjoy their selves for fear of other people’s opinions.

On hindsight if we felt that uncomfortable about ‘conforming to the norm’ we should have just said ‘No’ and done what we wanted. After all it was our wedding day. I and I think Ste would have felt much more comfortable dancing while everyone else was. Meaning we could hide within the crowd and fully enjoy the moment with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Lessons Learned  

  1. Choose what and whom to waste your grains of sand on.
  2. Don’t ever do something just to conform.
  3. Don’t care what people think or what they will say it’s more than likely they’re too busy looking at social media at someone else’s ‘perfect life’ to notice what’s going on in the real world.
  4. A picture can say a thousand words but it can also hide a few swear words.
  5. Don’t trust kids they are cute little arseholes that lie just to appease you.
  6. Don’t hire Jenga pieces at a wedding if kids are involved.
The story so far

Fifty Shades of SRS Radiotherapy

Quote of the day:

  • Nothing in life is to be feared it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we fear less – Marie Curie
  • I hope you know how brave you’ve been – Charlie Mackery

November 2021

It was early November 2021. I had returned home from hospital and was slowly recovering from the surgery in that my head wound was healing. The MRI scan showed that the operation had been successful and the Neurosurgeon had done the amazing job of completely removing all of the tumour. It was confirmed that the tumour was Melanoma. This was always suspected but never confirmed until the actual tumour was removed. There is the chance that now the Melanoma has Metasized (spread to other areas of the body, for the second time) it can return in the body, neck  and previous areas. For now, though thankfully my CT neck and body scans have been clear and there is no point focusing on what may or may not happen. I need to save my energy on the present and what is known now. Now there was the not so simple task of dealing with the two smaller brain tumours that couldn’t be operated on.

Thankfully I was offered the chance of SRS radiotherapy (Stereotactic Radiosurgery). This is a non-surgical radiation therapy used to treat functional abnormalities and small tumours of the brain. It is more precise and requires fewer high dose treatments than traditional radiotherapy. Amazingly and luckily for me it just so happens Preston Hospital have one of these machines.

The plan was to have up to 3 doses. I had to wait until my head wound had healed and being the Neurosurgeon did another amazing job of cutting and shaving a minimal area you could hardly tell I had, had brain surgery. Before I was discharged from hospital, I had asked the nurses to remove the staples as didn’t fancy a return visit or a visit to my local treatment room. To this day I don’t really know what my wound looked like or how many staples there were until it had healed because a) my hair was totally matted and b) you try looking at the side of your head when you can’t move your neck it’s not that easy. (It’s a bit like one of those tasks where you get kids to try and lick their elbows just for 10 minutes peace, if you haven’t yet done that you can thank me later). All I do know is that the removal of the staples was a two-person job combined with a lot of heavy breathing and clinking. When I could finally wash and dry my hair albeit sat over the bath with Ste acting as a very shit and rough hairdresser. I could quite easily hide my scar (I knew my frizzy hair would eventually come in handy one day, it’s only took 41 years but it finally came up trumps in the end).

SRS treatment to the head and neck requires wearing a specially fitted thermoplastic mask. I had to go for an appointment to get this made as it needs to be to the mould and shape of your face so there is no movement. This is totally pain free in fact it’s warm and feels a bit like having a facial although it’s a long time since I’ve had one of those. If I had to explain what the SRS mask looks like the nearest thing, I can think of is the green Joseph and Joseph sieve we have at home with small holes in. You know the type of thing you purchase because you think you’re being posh and this utensil will make a huge difference to your culinary abilities. Then a few months later you realise it was definitely an impulse buy and has made no difference to your culinary abilities, added to the fact you can’t actually afford any of the matching items so it sits there looking slightly out of place amongst your range of basic cooking utensils you’ve acquired over the years.

Just breathe

It was the SRS appointment day Ste drove me to the hospital and we had to sit and wait for a while. When we did get seen I was told I was going to have just 2 intense 20-minute sessions but it would all be done in that day and would that be ok. It meant I wouldn’t have to come back for another session so I agreed to it.

I went into the room which did feel cold. I was told that they needed to scan my brain to make sure they get the exact location and I had to remain completely still. This bit is the long part along with the fitting of the mask. The actual SRS radiotherapy beam is the 20 minutes.

The radiographer got the mask she said it would be particularly tight but would warm up. It was clamped in place so that you couldn’t move your head at all which I suppose you can understand as it needs to be so precise. I was expecting it to feel tight but I wasn’t expecting what was about to come next. The radiographer who was talking to me all this time clamped the mask in place. It felt awful you literally couldn’t move your jaw to even speak. There were several adjustments and I have to say not one felt comfortable. To add to the irony of situation I swear Will Youngs ‘Jealousy’ song was playing in the room which has some lyrics about not being able to breathe much to my annoyance (more because it’s a pretty crap song especially in that situation – sorry Wil I did vote for you in pop idol though so I’ve only myself to blame).

After several attempts it didn’t seem any more comfortable. I do like to think I have a pretty high pain threshold after all the crap I have been through over the past few years however on this occasion I’m not ashamed to admit it I was struggling. I think what added to the pain and discomfort was that I had a particularly sore neck strain from the brain surgery.

It came to a point where the radiographer just said we’ll just have to go ahead and if you need to stop just say and we can. So, the mask was fully clamped in place and the radiographers went out of the room. They then scanned my head to pin point the exact place the radiotherapy was to be targeted. I don’t know how long this took but it did feel like a long time.

Next was the SRS radiotherapy beam. The radiographer said just say if you need to stop but it was to be 20 minutes and then if I felt ok, I could have the next session straight after. I lay there and to be honest the actual beam is totally pain free. For me it was the mask for me that was really uncomfortable and hurt.

Fifty Shades of SRS Therapy

I lay there and tried to do what I do in most stressful situations close my eyes and meditate. I managed to get through the first session and the radiographer ask me if I wanted to carry straight on. The answer to this was a definite ‘NO’ well it would have been if I could have actually moved my jaw to speak that’s how tight the mask was. I can’t say I’ve ever worn one (honestly!) but I can imagine it being some what similar to wearing a gimp mask and being unable to say the ‘safe word’.

I must have moved my hand or something as the radiographer came in took the mask off so I could have a break. I got a bit overwhelmed and upset at this point. To be honest I felt like I was being a bit soft and not sure I could go through it again, so I asked if I could go to the toilet. I walked past Ste who was quite happily sat there scrolling on his phone oblivious to all of this. On a scale of 1 to 10 I think his emotional sensitivity level is probably -10 on a good day but to be honest I think this has proved quite beneficial in my case.

I went to the toilet a looked in the mirror my nose was red and sore and I had a spot on my chin that was now a nice red square. I sat on the toilet and was glad of the break. I think at this point I thought to myself I need to get a grip so I literally pulled my big girl knickers on (apple catchers) and walked back to the room ready for round two.

I’m not sure if it was a combination whether the radiographer may have fitted the mask slightly different or I composed myself better, or the mask had warmed up but the second session felt miles better I could actually breathe and move my lips slightly. At the end of the session was glad it was complete. It was then I was led on the table and moved my head to the left. At that point I noticed all the masks there. There must have been maybe 30 at a guess. I thought to myself each one of them is a person who has to have SRS radiotherapy. If they can all go through that then I should be able to go through it. In fact, some people would jump at the opportunity to have this treatment so to go through any pain and discomfort for a couple for hours is nothing in comparison to what others go through and I would do it again if I need to.

Lessons Learned

  1. Posh utensils and kitchen gadgets aren’t always a good buy especially if you can’t afford the rest of it.
  2. When things become overwhelming sometimes you just need to pull up your big girl knickers
  3. Should the opportunity arise I don’t think I’d be cut out for S&M

The story so far

Finding your Happy Place

Quote of the day:

Quote 1 ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’ – Reinhold Niebuhr

Quote 2 ‘Find your happy place and go there in challenging times’ – Rachel Cummings

Two steps forward two steps back

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do you’re on this conveyor belt and don’t seem to be making any progress at all? For me recently it feels like that for every two steps forwards I have been making I end up taking two steps back.

Why is it at this point I have the lyrics to ‘Opposites Attract’ sung by Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat currently going through my mind!  (Yes, I did have to google the cats name). The cartoon cat who bizarrely at the age of 9 I had some strange affection to. Although on reflection I think he was nothing in comparison to Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. She was pretty hot.

For every bit of progress, I was making, it felt like it would shortly be followed by a set back whether that be in terms of mobility, seizures, medication or even a stay in hospital. However, I think of late what has affected me the most is that those I love and care about seem to be going through pretty challenging times themselves and that’s before I even look what’s going on with the rest of the world outside of my own little bubble.

Now I think there is some saying that if we threw all the world’s problems up in the air and you had to catch one you would be grateful if you caught your own. I definitely agree with this theory in that there is always someone worse off than you. That’s not to say the difficulties you are currently going through are insignificant it’s just to try and think of it from a different perspective.

Now don’t get me wrong if someone threw my current ‘set backs’ up in the air I’m pretty sure most people would try to avoid them like shit in a storm. However, there are certainly people far worse off than me, I am still here and for that I am grateful and will continue to fight and deal with each day as it comes. When we come across bad news it feels like everything, we hear is bad news and it’s hard to look for the positives. However, the positives are still there we just have to dig a little deeper and change our perspective. As harsh as it sounds there are only certain things we can change or have an impact on.

‘If you don’t like something, change it. It you can’t change it; change the way you think about it.’ Mary Engelbreit

Happy Place, Happy Place

A way I try to change my perspective when things aren’t going to plan or in difficult times is going to my happy places (at this point Ste may be phoning the mental ward if he’s not on speed dial to them already). Now for those of you that have watched ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ you’re probably thinking right now of Jordan North. Those of you that haven’t to give you an insight he’s a Radio 1 DJ originally from Burnley whom when given tasks from Ant and Dec (the presenters that come hand in hand a bit like Bert and Ernie, the Chuckle brothers, Morecambe and Wise, Little and Large whom are all rarely seen without the other). Ant and Dec would set the celebreties with various different challenges such as to sit with a load of snakes in a pit, eat some hairy kangaroo balls or fermented fish eyes. Jordans way of trying to cope with the ‘situation at hand’ would be to chant ‘Happy Place, Happy Place, Turf Moor’. He did this as a coping mechanism and to deal with whatever task put in front of him.

A visit to Turf Moor

It’s this similar principal that I use when I’m having particular ‘challenging’ days. Now being that Blackburn and Burnley have been football rivals for years I couldn’t think of anywhere worse as my Happy Place than Turf Moor. However, having said that Archie was lucky enough to be Spurs mascot in Feb 2019 at Turf Moor when they played Burnley in the league. I honestly have to say the ‘Dingles’ sorry Burnley fans and staff couldn’t have been more generous and accommodating. The day didn’t exactly start stress free in that we had ordered a Spurs shirt in the hope Archie could get it signed by the players. The only place that we could get it delivered in time was from Very (other probably more reliable catalogue stores are available). The night before the game I went to collect the ‘shirt’ from one of the collection stores in town. I remember thinking this feels heavy. When I got home, we opened the package only to find a black leather jacket. I mean how on earth do you get a black leather jacket and a Tottenham shirt mixed up in the first place? I can imagine the look on Harry Kane’s face if we got Archie to turn up and say ‘hiya lads fancy signing this for me you might need a red pen though?!’

I asked around but not many northerners support Spurs as you an imagine…they support Blackburn or most kids now support whoever happens to be winning in the league at the time. Disappointingly nothing came into fruition. This left us with bringing a programme from a previous game to get signed. We did try to go to some sports shops in Burnley in the morning but we would have had more chance of finding unicorn poo and a Blackburn shirt (probably in the same aisle).

When we got there, we were seated in the club lounge which I can only describe as some mix up between Phoenix Nights minus Brian Potter with the offering of tea, coffee, bacon and sausage butties which Archie, Daisy and Ste gladly took up. There was a bit of a prize draw in which I bit my lip at the Blackburn jokes. However cowardly as it may seem I certainly didn’t declare my allegiance to their No. 1 rivals.

Anyway, we had a great day out despite Spurs getting beat. Archie managed to meet some of his heroes and although didn’t get a signed shirt or leather jacket, he got his programme signed and something I hope he can cherish with fond memories and realise how lucky he was for the opportunity.

My Happy Places

Now I’ll let you into some of my happy places (not all mind as despite being pretty open and honest about most things there are some things, I like to keep to myself). In no particular order;

  • North Wales – in particular Pwllheli, Abersoch, Llandbedrog, Nefyn
  • Entwistle Reservoir
  • Jack Keys lodge
  • Darwen Tower (not in it’s current ‘insulated rocket state though)
  • The view of Darwen Tower from a particular spot in my garden
  • My writing and journaling desk surrounded by my thoughtful gifts and presents.

Each one of these ‘Happy Places’ are so for various different reasons. For instance, North Wales is where generations of family have been going for years. Before it was ‘proper posh’ and has since featured in Cheshire Life magazine I believe. For me what makes it so special is the happy memories of sandy packed lunches, big games of bowls and cricket at the Warren Beach down by the rocks with family, camping in my mum and dads orange Dandy trailer tent, playing football for hours on the farmers field with my cousin. Walking down to the pub and sitting outside sharing chicken in a basket with my sister. It’s a place where even now younger generations of our ever-extending family seem to migrate for their holidays. It’s great that as a family of four we’re still discovering new places for the first time that hopefully Daisy and Archie will take their kids to visit.

Entwistle Reservoir is where I would often walk round and chat with close friends and not so long ago my mum whom I was so proud of. This at the moment is an aspiration for both of us but I will get round it soon and I will also drag my mum round with me when she’s on the mend.

The point is you don’t have to actually go anywhere to tune into your happy place. You just have to think of those places and how they make you feel. See if you can’t change what’s happening to you or those around you there is no point wasting your efforts worrying about it. By that I don’t mean that you don’t care what I do mean is concentrate in ways you can be more positive and maybe that’s how you can help those you care about as well as yourself in the process.

On reflection despite my opinion of 2 steps forward and 2 steps back deep down I know that I am my own worse critic and if I put on my positive pants (which today I pleased to say they are on). I have come so far in such a short space of time. I just need to learn to accept there are going to be shit days and that when there are I need to go to my Happy Places.

Darwen Tower – pre renovations
My writing and planning desk
Llandbedrog beach
Llandbedrog beach

Lessons Learnt

  1. Don’t purchase a Tottenham shirt from Very
  2. Life’s is all about perspective for instance what is seen as a challenge in some countries can be seen as a delicacy in others. However, I’m not about to attempt to try a hairy kangaroo ball any time soon.
  3. There are some things in life we unfortunately can’t change so we just need to learn to accept and concentrate our efforts on the things we can.
  4. Happiness is not always a destination it’s a state of mind.
  5. Sometimes what are perceived as your ‘rivals’ can in fact be the total opposite.